A brief update for 2019

It’s been a little while since I last wrote anything. Not really felt the need, or inspiration to, and think everyone is probably bored or not fussed about my change in location. Which is totally fair, don’t blame you!

But it’s been near enough 6 months now since I made the move from Brighton to Manhattan, and it’s been a fairly interesting time. I’ve written before about the stress of moving, and on reflection, it was fucking horrendous – it took about 5 months to get my VISA sorted, with very little help given by my work besides the literal VISA application. Everything else was on me (Often companies use another service to hand hold you through this, many people at my company get that service – I did not). Combining that with moving out my place I’ve lived at for 10 years, and then finding a place to live in another country I wasn’t even in yet, all really added up and I felt like when I moved here whilst I enjoyed it – I really wasn’t over the stress of it all and really get to enjoy it properly.  And so I’m super excited for the spring and summer this year to really enjoy everything and just spend most of my time exploring this awesome city and all the fun things that come with it.

I’ve also had a lot of visitors since I moved here, and whilst this isn’t any kind of complaint, as it’s been really nice, and a lot of fun, it can be full on at times. It’s just meant I’ve not had all the time to really get out and see things with free weekends, and I don’t want to drag people around to places that might be awful or boring, or do things they aren’t too interested in. I’ve spoken to a few people who’ve moved country and they all say they felt the same, and it eases up over time when people get bored of coming over. I never really thought about it before when I’ve visited someone, and they are often great hosts, but I’m just 1 of X number. I’ve got more coming but it’s a little less congested now and I know the city a bit better too, so I’m sure it’ll be all good fun!

I still miss all my friends and Mum very much, but thankfully with technology nowadays it’s easy to stay in contact which is great, so I don’t feel too left out of things. Which is really good for me, as moving to a new place, it is often tricky, or takes time, to make new friends. It’s never easy at the best of times, but somewhere totally new where I’m the 1 and they are the 100, it can be quite daunting. I am very good on my own, and often like my own company, but equally everyone needs people to socialize with, hang out, and chat about the world – that part I’ve not been so good at. I’m not sad or anything by it, and good friends are always hard to come by, but probably know a couple of people I’d call mates, and even then the social aspect is few and far between, so I often have to just fill in my team alone or via other means, and it’s not always a fun scenario. Again, I’m sure most reading are saying me living here automatically makes it the best life on earth, but I’m still a person, and moving away alone can be tough.

I guess I’ve just seen things from a new perspective, being this person, rather than it being friends or family who’ve done similar. I don’t regret any of it, and I am really enjoying life here, and I do go out drinking whenever I want, but things are just a bit different and I’m still probably settling in, even if I am adjusted – but I’m always positive, I really do love the life I’ve made here, and I cannot wait for it to warm up so I can really explore, and of course take ridiculous selfies on rooftop bars with the NYC skyline in the background. I think 2019 (Well what’s left, flying by!) will be a fun year – hope yours is too!

Cheers

Some more NYC nonsense

Hi all,

Thought I’d give a little update on my jaunt in NYC, with a couple of minor musings and stray observations.  I guess you can read my initial thoughts here - https://french1984.blogspot.com/2018/09/im-alien-im-little-legal-alien.html - though if you like things that look nice, it looks/reads way better here - http://newyorkcliche.com/2018/10/08/brit-nyc-newbie/

The biggest bit of news I’ve got so far is relating to living. I sub-letted a place here for 2 months just after I arrived, which is a fairly common culture here but not so big back home. Usually it’s a cheaper and flexible alternative than committing to somewhere immediately, and I was fortunate enough to live with two girls, one of whom has literally been in the flat 2 nights out of the last 5 weeks (She has a bf in Brooklyn with a much nicer apartment, it’s not because she hates me. I think). The other girl is nice enough, which works for me, she has her life and that’s great – though she did nearly kill me when she left the oven on when falling asleep drunk and literally baked her pizza into the oven itself. I found it quite funny though, place stunk for a good couple of days after!

But yeah, as of last week I have now signed the lease to my own apartment for the next 12 months. It’s around the same location, East Village which is a pretty fun neighborhood, loads of bars and cool places to eat, highly recommend checking it out anyone who comes to NYC and has time to kill/doesn’t care about the touristy places so much.

Interesting quirk? The shower, is in the kitchen. Yep you read that right – however for a little more clarity, it’s still in an enclosed shower unit, but it’s next to the kitchen sink, which is odd. Then there’s a separate door for the toilet/sink. Hopefully I get used to it, though I think guests who are staying may find it slightly more alarming. Told you its quirky!  Downside to all of this, is because I have no credit history, they want a fortune up front, plus renting here, places are so expensive – probably 20/25% on top of London I’m thinking, and tiny. As such I felt compelled to negotiate extensively with the landlord as I did my homework, it was empty for a couple of months, and so I felt I had the upper hand, and ultimately ended up getting a bit of money off and a free month, so was fairly happy with that! The final bit of my negotiating secured $5 more off each month, as pathetic as that sounds, that’s how the negotiations had gone for a while but it all added  up, and now I sort of feel morally the winner here!

Food. Ah yes. Well I’ve somewhat thrown myself into the abundance of fun and amazingly tasty options that NYC has to offer, and accepted my fate of putting on some weight in the process, so much so, I have created a new folder on my phone purely for food photos. I’m such a prick. However it is so good, Ramen here is incredible, Burgers are ridiculously good in the right places, Pizza is unreal, Chicken wings, Bagels loaded with everything, enormous rolls brimming with meats and cheeses. Even the salads here are massive and often fairly interesting! Downside? Everything costs a tonne compared to back home, but you have to learn to accept it otherwise you’ll drive yourself nuts. Also from forcing myself to go to places on my ‘list’ (which is endless) I’ve learnt to be comfortable eating alone, something I never did before, especially in a sit down place. I always felt like I was just in the way/wasting a table and looked like a loser, but now I quite enjoy it! I’m pleased I took the plunge, which I appreciate when you compare to my moving seems like a drop in the ocean of ‘plunges’ but I was still quite happy with myself for that. If you’re interested I’ve posted a few food pics here - https://www.instagram.com/p/Bo_xGRbhGTi/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=1co5z90c5wlhn (french1984)

Going back to the article I wrote on NYC previously, one of my irks related to cyclists, and I feel it was a pretty valid point, as in the few weeks since, I’ve now seen 3 incidents of varying levels of stupidity and not paying attention from cyclists which makes me now fear them even more. Twice I’ve seen them just not really look when doing a right turn out a side street when it’s OK for pedestrians to cross the avenue, and they basically just sideswiped the walker. Then they sort of half apologize half seem angry when it’s absolutely their own fault! The third was really bad as one delivery guy totally clattered into this fairly old lady (she had right of way, again) and he tried to cycle off!! Passers-by helped her out and made sure he didn’t ride off, waiting for the police and am ambulance. That would have cost the insurance company a pretty penny (ambulances out here cost thousands if you use one)!

I also like the attempt here of places to be like ‘British pubs’, I’ve been to a few now, and they are getting better than the time I went to one on the West Coast 7-8 years ago, and it had light up dart boards, and a buckin’ bronco! But it’s still a bit touch and go, like you just can feel that it’s like a pub but not a pub, especially as it refers to itself as a bar, but I’m slowly appreciating them a bit more, in fact there’s a cool one near me that Abraham Lincoln used to drink at.

Big thing here is leaving your card behind the bar with a tab, rather than buying rounds – which you can do, but seems to be a chore for the  bar so they don’t love it that much. And recently nor did I, when they accidentally gave my card to someone else – but they did wipe my tab and give me a couple of decent free drinks on the house, but still, it’s annoying.

My final new observation which is slowly annoying me, and one day I suspect I’ll explode, is here people seem to say “That’s so funny” all the time, when things aren’t remotely funny! It’s like one of those reflex responses, similar to someone typing ‘lol’ when you both know they aren’t smiling, or giving a shit what you’re saying. It’s very, very annoying.

Anyway that’ll do, thanks for anyone who’s read this far, always appreciate it since I know it’s all just a bit of self-indulgence, but figure maybe it’s mildly interesting!

Cheers!

I'm an Alien, I'm a little legal Alien...

Howdy. That's what we say over here, I think.

So I've made the move, and nearly 3 weeks in I've actually started to settle a little bit despite moving to 3 different places in 3 totally different areas of NYC. I'm now staying put for 2 months in the East Village whilst I work out the longer term plan which will probably involve me getting my own place. By place I mean something the size of your living room, places here are tiny unless you pay a huge amount.

But that's all good, it's slowly coming together, am waiting for my social security, got a US bank account (Well it's HSBC through my UK one, but I'm counting it) and am currently looking at how on earth I do my taxes for my first pay check. I say pay check, but it might literally be one, it seems banking here is pretty backwards.
In fact that brings me onto part of the reason I wanted to do this post, apart from a token update, but to just outline some of my observations that I'm sure you'll be aware of already but still worth a bit of a ramble!

So here's some things I'm either very slowly, or will simply never, come to terms with:

1. Grocery Shopping
I know we can account this to cost of living, and it's simply just what you have to pay, but I don't think I'm going to get my head around how expensive simple grocery shopping is. They just seem to mark everything up, and no matter how you look at it, I'm not best pleased about paying £3 for a bag of Doritos. £3 for a simple Orange Juice. £3 the going starting rate for basically anything. Might not seem like a huge amount, but multiply that for every item you buy and it certainly adds up!

2. Trader Joe's
Speaking of grocery shopping, there are multiple options available. You can go to a local market/bodega and get essentials and they do some other bits, that'll be a tiny bit cheaper potentially. Or there are some more well known chain places, that would be more like a Tesco Express. Whole Foods and Trader Joe's are the best example. Not a bad store by any means, but the one by me - I have literally never seen the queue not stretch halfway round the store!! And I've been there early morning, late night, random times of day, anything just to try and not queue for eternity. Impossible. I've now accepted this is my life.

3. Bikes
It's good, it's healthy, it's easy to get to work and they have a city bike scheme like some places in the UK. Great. My only issue with this is, I cannot for the life of me who has right of way on a green man. This might sound ridiculous, but honestly, these cyclists NEVER STOP. They will carry on at 0.1 MPH if it means any momentum and have no qualms just cutting across you, regardless of the traffic light situation.

4. Humidity
This one speaks for itself, but I arrived at the end of Summer, and it's meant to be a pretty mild one. WTF. I'm petrified for next Summer! Don't think I've spent more than a couple hours (usually in a well conditioned office) without sweating profusely. Multiple showers a day, fans, open windows, etc, do not help. It is horrendous.

5. Lack of self awareness
I think you can apply this to many places, but I've just really noticed it here more than even London. People just don't have self awareness, both walking and talking. Often it'll be intertwined with being on a phone, either shout/chatting with someone or just staring at the screen and having no qualms walking into you as they can't see where they are going. Even if they could, I suspect they wouldn't deviate course.

6. Subway system
This conflicts me massively. As the subway runs well, it makes sense (those rigid blocks NYC is famous for helps with the subway hugely), and getting from one end to the other doesn't take as long as you may think. But, pricing wise, it's cheap if you're going distance. You pay a set fare of $2.75, which basically means if you don't leave the subway you can go as far as you need to, making changes etc all within that fair. But as soon as you leave the subway, then it's gone and you need to get another ticket. Even if it's for one stop. Though it must be said, they do offer a weekly/monthly/annual unlimited, but if you're just a tourist passing through it can be a bit annoying.
Also, perhaps more amusingly, the ticket is basically a like our train tickets, but you have to swipe it to get through the barrier. No one can do it first time, it's hilarious with all the bleeps for rejected swipes. It's a real art!
Honestly, the NYC system could learn a thing or two from London's, in fact they are probably very aware, but just refuse to pay for any of it!

7. Pints
They aren't pints, quite simply. They will charge you more than the UK and give you less ML. It's upsetting to say the least.

8. Happy Hour
It's a big thing here, and always a good concept for cheaper drinks, no issues there. More with people, soon as it's over 90% of people just leave. It's almost like they don't want to always get smashed, the silly sods.

9. Banking system
See 'Subway System'. Basically it's like ours from the 80's. Still charge you to make bank transfers, and not just a few dollars, a solid $30 per transaction. They still use checks, a lot. Things take ages to clear. But on the flip side, they do use an app called Venmo for moving money which Paypal owns, that seems to go down well, since Paypal themselves charge for transfers. I can't use Venmo as have a UK phone, which is great.

10. Every car beeps for no reason
It just happens. All the time. For anything. Relentless

11. Forms.
The Americans absolutely bloody love forms. Fill them in for everything. The amount I've had to do thus far is ridiculous, and that's without even getting to my taxes, getting an apartment sorted, a proper bank account, or a US phone.


Well there we go, that's about it really. Everything else is going quite well, apart from my issues with what to have for dinner each night (Tiny kitchen, expensive shopping, cheaper to eat out but not wanting to dine alone, no access to the main delivery app here!). But it's a great city and is so cool being here, I'm enjoying it all and finding even the things above more like quirks than just straight up dislikes. Hopefully I'll be able to do something similar for the great things pretty soon!

Cheers,
Dan

Moving - Home and/or country, is stress. An update on my little change.

I wrote about the initial thoughts and feelings here

After not really given any update on my situation for a while, I've written an update. Lucky devils.

 I didn't do it mostly because nothing happened for ages whilst I had to wait for various things. But now I guess there’s a bit more happening – all good stuff, though I can’t help feeling a bit frustrated and sad, too.

So the good news is that my petition for a VISA was approved, which means I take that with me to the US Embassy and essentially it’s a sort of approval to give me a VISA, along with a TONNE of other documents and things, to get the sign off. They take my passport away and do what’s needed, and then I’m good to go. So that’s great, and a big relief, I wasn’t sure how it would all go – everyone said don’t worry etc, but you can never be 100% - I heard of a couple of people from work who got rejected! (Initially if I went to the Embassy directly, my chances of approval were 25%, doing the method I did went up to 90% - but delayed everything by 3-4 weeks)

I’ve also now moved out my flat, which I lived in for 9 years and really did love. That was a strange feeling – I know many of you are very au fait with moving, and are probably awesome at it. I somewhat underestimated what I needed to do, but with some fantastic support from friends and my Mum managed it ok in the end. Though bit of a weird feeling, I don’t live in Brighton anymore, odd.

I’m staying at Mum’s which is nice of her, but again, strange feeling. Haven’t got used to that yet, already the nagging has started, and I’m sure we’ll clash before long. When I used to live at home we’d have the worst arguments – really horrible ones – and I hope it doesn’t all start up again. I’m a bit more chilled now, so will try and avoid it when possible. I bet I get drunk, forget I've moved, and wonder up to my old place before remembering and suddenly realizing I'm miles away from where I'm now staying!

My next steps are then to take that petition I mentioned to the US Embassy where I’ve booked an appointment next week. However I have to wait for the hard copy to arrive, and I don’t know when that will be – so that next week may be optimistic. So much of this process is waiting for things, not really knowing when they will happen – and having to build your life around that! It’s the most frustrating thing. I don’t have flights because I don’t know when I’ll leave. I haven’t looked at apartments yet as no idea when I’ll be there. My work sponsored my VISA which was fantastic, but because they wouldn’t give me the full package I don’t have the ‘go between’ company we use who help with the transition and sort out dates and what you need to do well in advance, so I’ve done it all myself and honestly, I probably could have done things a bit better.

Now I don’t want people to think I’m not grateful, because I am. I’m fully aware how lucky I am to get this opportunity, and how exciting it is, and how it could well be life changing. But equally people process things differently, I handle a move to a new life differently than you might.

Everything just feels rushed and partially out of my control, which is very frustrating.

An example, which I know will sound silly, but still. I play football, and have done for about 4-5 years with the same group of lads. We’re a good bunch who get on well, and I’ve been the social sec for some of that time, which has been really fun. I’ve also taken over the arranging of it after my friend who started it, got injured.  Now given that my dates are fairly up in the air, I can’t say this for sure but I think that I’m playing for the last time this week, and I’ve not really said that it’s my last time, as I thought I might still be about for another, but I don’t know that for sure. I don’t expect anything from them, but it would be nice to say goodbye (as presumably some won’t make any drinks I have, since I haven’t even formally arranged any!). Little things like that

I don’t want to arrange ‘leaving drinks’ because I don’t know when I’m leaving. Have them next week and I’m still here for a month. Even though loads of people are asking. Work didn’t send out a communication that I’m moving so I’m still getting asked about my old job, and then lots of people don’t know I’m moving etc.

I’m trying to work out when I can see some of my friends who I don’t see so often anymore, for the last time. But like all the above, unsure of dates, so when to do it. Plus me going to the embassy, on top of all the other things going on, it’s just such a messy time. However I do want to say that friends have been amazing, so supportive and there for me at times of stress and whatnot, offering to help me move, allowing me to use storage space, letting me crash, and just general support. Mum has been great too, she got some of her attic boarded up so I can put my stuff there, that's why she got all my leftover food (don't laugh, she's LOVING that I have good BBQ sauce, and loads of oils and spices)

But, I do know, when it’s all done and the dust has settled, it’ll be amazing. Until then, I guess you’ll just have to bear with me. I currently estimate I'll leave around the 2nd August. No one I've spoken to agrees and thinks it'll be later. Sigh. 

Cheers

I'm off soon. Excited? Sort of, nervous? You bet

Just felt like writing a little something, so I have. Funny how that works eh! Though I have committed to writing a bit more when I move, to sort of ‘document the change’ as it were. Did I tell you I’m moving? Yeah, well, I am,

Except it’s a little further than I’d expect.

NYC. It still feels really weird to think about or say. Like I’ve been sort of thinking/wishing for this move for a good 18 months or more, and wondered how it could happen, but I never thought it actually would! It was just one of those sort of ideas you say but never do. I’m really good at them by the way!

But yeah, so it cropped up in a sort of very informal conversation at work a couple of months ago, and has slowly snowballed into what is happening now, which is getting into the final stages for approval for a work VISA.

I won’t go into all the details and bits and pieces, because mostly it’s boring, but also as it’s not finalized yet I don’t want to jinx it. But I’ve agreed to the  job and the contract  etc, so really it’s just down to me ensuring I tick the right boxes, and don’t accidentally say I’m moving in order to (And this is a real question) ‘train an army of child soldiers’. Tempting though!

Still not everyone knows, but most do, which is fine – however I’ve still not been given a date, mostly because you can’t say exactly how long the VISA will take to sort, which kind of means my whole life is in some weird status. I can’t say to perspective tenants in my flat when they can move in, as I’m unsure when I’m moving out. I can’t look for a place there, because I don’t know when I’m arriving. I can’t arrange leaving drinks, or a couple of fun things I had planned, because I don’t know if I’ll be here. Everyone asks am I excited, and it’s amazing, and I agree – but at this very moment in time, I’m not excited, I’m frustrated. I don’t like ambiguity, and this is pretty big, so I guess I just need to get on with things, I can do as much prep as possible I suppose.

But because of all this, until I get that date to work towards, or the approval of the go ahead to start the VISA application, I’m sort of ignoring everything else. And that’s a pretty big ‘everything else’, friends, family, people I really care about – I’m going to miss them hugely, and I’m moving on my own to god knows where on another continent, they won’t be in the same frame of mind of me either  due to time differences, and asleep at other times. However it’s something I want, and need to do, as I appreciate the opportunity is amazing. It’s just right now, I’m not excited really, and I’m not in the right frame of mind to appreciate it – but I will, I really will.

Anyway, that’ll do for now.

Cheers

Dan

'Dan ponders' - Literally nonsense on a page

Happy belated new year.

Least that’s now out the way. If this is the first thing of mine you’ve ever read, don’t be surprised as I’m an incredibly lazy writer/person. I’ve spent the last two years especially lacking in motivation of things to write about, or consider worth writing about. In fact the below will probably not be any different, I’m just forcing myself to jot something down.

However, I’ve decided this will be a series of my musings which have popped into my little head, perhaps a smattering of half made points that will collide and confuse during my literal mutterings (I don’t re-read what I’ve typed, this is it, one take, done).

Personally the last year or so has been, like most, fairly normal with some unique situations going on. People like to think that ‘X year will be MY year’ – but, it won’t. Sorry. Every year is everyone’s year, and we’re ornately designed to be somewhat selfish/self-absorbed – so this isn’t actually the case, it’s just a year where some good and some bad might happen, like any other. I appreciate for those on social media (Twitter, mostly looking at you for a change), this might sound a terrible thing to say, and make some gasp – WHAT! I AM NOT SELFISH! Being the outcry, sure, that’s cool – each to their own, man. I’m only calling it how, well how it is. Even the most selfless person may sometimes internally have selfish reasons for their actions.

It links to people believing themselves to be utterly unique, one in a million, no two the same. And that’s true…to an extent. Personality wise, you are unique. YOU reading this (all 1 of you), are unique, no one is the same as you. However as a human being, you’re not. You’re built mostly the same as most others. Sorry. And that’s where this wishy-washy point swirls into the aforementioned selfish piece, it’s how we’re designed from the principles of self-survival, we also have the principles of human nature. Twitter has now become the perfect conduit for this, but it’s taken me years to realize – with probably the last 12-18 months really being the ‘awaking’ to it I needed. It allows everyone to have a voice, a unique single voice, which comically within certain circles actually becomes a unique single MASS voice, echoed by people who want validation and require support. I’ve been guilty of it, for sure, but what I find the most amusing is perhaps those with the lack of self-awareness to even realise, and still feel like they are some independent strong willed individual, who just happens to be the same as countless others. Sometimes I think people are scared to truly be themselves, and that’s a real shame.

This isn’t a dig as such, it’s an observation. I’ve probably lost most of you reading this by now anyway with my confusing spiel, and that’s fine – I write for myself mostly anyway, but even I don’t always understand what appears on the page. I think my final thought on this particular strand of nonsense is tribalism is a real thing, and is particularly apparent on social media, with groups with similar interests forming a bond, which unhelpfully (and I think to some degree, unhealthily) leading to examples of sheep following, mutual unneeded or unwarranted ‘bigging up’, a need of validation from one another that leads into what at times looks to be disingenuous praise, which is really no help to anyone, and degrees of bullying. Just something worth considering – but that’s that about, well, that.

One thing I do like though, for a change, is how people can help one another, and it does appear genuine. It’s touching to see, albeit the various ways that can be achieved, all of which probably do more good than we realize. And also for those who manage to find happiness either within themselves or with another, whatever works – we don’t all get to experience that, or know how to, so it’s actually something that should be cherished and revered, and I think at times we perhaps aren’t aware enough of this, and even become a touch embarrassed when the world around us is such a shitshow. Embrace that, never know how long it’s going to last.

For me personally, I think I’ve had an ok year. Gone through the standard practise of some good times, some great times and some pretty rubbish ones, which is about par for the course. I’m considering writing something more specific to that now that I’ve jotted some words down – it will be for me, but you may take some interest in it.

Anyway that’ll do for now.

Cheers,
Dan

Overthinking. It can be a bit of an issue

It's a strange concept really, the definition is quite simply 'think about (something) too much or for too long.' It's a naturally simple concept to understand, define and ultimately pick out. But something which has occurred to me over the years, and I suspect many else, some do it without thinking.

So I should stress, I can only state this from a personal point of view, and I'm so sorry I can't keep it holistic for everyone, but please tell your stories as you see fit. 
Overthinking isn't something I'd ever even heard of until a few years ago, and firstly it came from my friends, and I laughed it off. It was from a notion of simply coming up with a few 'what ifs' on something that perhaps didn't matter or have any consequences, as I said, I didn't even think anything of it. What an ignorant prat, I can now retort, safely in the confines of 3-4 years later! 

Then it started happening with women I was romantically engaged with. Small things at first, innocuous things, but it was constant. Anything I'd be overthinking, you couldn't make a date, you couldn't answer my call, you couldn't do various things. To me it wasn't normal behavior, yet every time I was overthinking. 
You know what, I kind of agreed. I like to think I'm super laid back and chilled out, but sometimes I become almost militant, I can't explain it - I just like things to be as agreed. I dislike it when people can't stick to a plan, if you don't like the plan, change it - I'm fine with it, but don't agree then do something mental. Perhaps I've just overthought that and we should all just live life how we deem best, it's short, and should be fun. I agree, I just can't seem to express that, especially if it impacts me. 

And the worst impact? It can really impact things badly, even if you don't realize things. It's the reason you suspect things that never happened, or you considered situations that never materialized. It will drive you insane for answers you want but don't have. And eventually it'll filter into conversations, discussions, and ultimately arguments. Faux insinuations will be thrown around, insults will be made, people will be hurt. It's horrible, yet when overthinking it's all so very logical. Even when there is no foundation. I appreciate at this point it's a bit like saying if you say 100 bad things, something will stick, but that's not quite the jist, it's like in your mind you're saying 3 valid things, but in reality, all could be so far from the truth and by then, it's too late, no one needs to, or should deal with that. And for my part in that, I'm sorry. Because the funny thing is, to you, it's just me being a bit of an annoying dickhead, and that's partly true, as that's how it is perceived. Another common misconception is when someone will tell me to 'chill out', often women when I've said something they deem overthinking (it is, they are correct), but it's like I've done it on purpose to say all this stuff. I mean I have, to some degree, but I know I shouldn't, and it has 100% scared off women in the past, and women I really liked too, in fact I ended up liking so much I overthought everything and blurted it all out and scared them off - you see what I did there, that's how it works, it's an endless cycle at times. 
I actually think I've done it a slight disservice, because there are some additional impacts I didn't initially think about, which is ironic right? RIGHT?! Because overthinking is basically a daily occurrence. I do it almost obsessively working out dinner, as I get really anxious if I'm sort of 'winging it' - either I've planned it the day(s) before, or I'm going out, I can't just come home to no food and be like oh I'll get a takeaway, no no, there needs to be absolute planning (again, perhaps normal, but it doesn't feel normal, I feel it's weird). And that's just dinner! 
The final thing about this I think I should mention too, is that when you do overthink about certain situations, you will often come to the worst possible conclusion. And that in itself is an issue. It's unfair and often unfounded, yet, too late, we've gone and done it, and then used that as a springboard to be a dick. It's ridiculous, and perhaps that's just me, but it can be toxic, and it's not nice. 

Something interesting I found when doing some very basic research into this, overthinking is linked to depression, and anxiety. I think it's important that note that people should be aware of this, and Psyweb have an interesting article you should read this

To me this is eye opening, I never really thought the two things connected! But as I sat pondering if this topic had any legs to talk about, I did a little Googling (and mild introspective thinking) and it does, and it makes perfect sense. I hope anyone who's had this kind of situation in their lives can take this into consideration, it really caught me unawares. 

When we move then across into the realms of mental health, this is a quick piece from a football website I read (please don't scoff!), which really can be applied regardless of job/background/situation. It's short and straight to the point, which frankly is too often overlooked, so please do read this

From a personal point of view, I keep thinking that my point isn't some cry for help, or need for pity or even empathy, but the thought that my words might inspire, or help. But the more I think of this the more I come to the same conclusion, I'm expressing personal plight and dressing it up as a human cause, exasperated by my need to claim it's for everyone. As such I think I need to say, this WAS my own situation and I wrote this a few years ago, relating to mental health. I need to be clear, this isn't a lovely read, but also I'm so aware that on the 'bad stakes' life ballot, I'm doing pretty fucking well. I feel pretty great generally, and have a very nice life, and am blessed in 101 ways, but annoyingly that's how mental illness works - you know everything, but you're somewhat helpless. I'd like to stress I'm miles better than this, and I feel ok, but I do still have down moments (as I feel EVERY human being on Earth should do, it's natural, right?) and just wanted to share with anyone who may feel down now to perhaps give it a read and just know things will always be better. Please. And if you feel they won't, then you reach out to someone, anyone, me even, and you tell them. 

I should add, the post I wrote on depression is a few years old, and I've been feeling pretty good in relation to it for a good long while, I had some good conversations with people years ago that really helped me - and bear in mind at the time the only people in the world I told were about 4 of my closest mates, 2 of which was because I basically had a bit of a breakdown in front of them. My mum only found out when she dropped something round to my flat when I was out and saw my anti-depressants. My point is, don't keep it to yourself, speak to someone - I've been off them for years and am happy to impart any advice anyone may want. However the overthinking part  is still present but I do try and get a good hold over it where possible, as some people won't even ever notice I do it, and that's how I like it. You know, me, Mr Doesntwantattentionbutwroteafuckingblogpostandtweetedit 

Thank you all so much for reading, and I suspect I know how I come across. I re-wrote this outro around 20 times, in seriousness, as I'm trying to work out exactly what I can say without being a preachy fuck. Perhaps, and just maybe I agree, I've slightly overthought this one... and for those that know me in person, sorry again, just pretend it never happened! :-)

Dan

Sushi! In London? Sushdon? No. Just Sushi in London

I like foods from all over the world. In fact, I would go so far to say I love cuisines from all parts of the world, more so than the drab offerings we have here. Fish and chips? No, fish and Rice, get in me. I guess you’d then call me an international man of the people, and carry me like Ghandi. No? Well fuck you then.  

I guess that was a reach.

But in reality, a cracker of a question (but I’m sure boring to receive for some of you) is always “What’s your favourite cuisine”. It’s a tough one really, especially to those who can handle spice, and aren’t fussy, the possibilities are plentiful, yet one always jumps to the forefront of my mind – Japanese. Not even just Sushi, but the whole overall Japanese cuisine. In fact, I really like their diet generally, not in a creepy way, just the fact that they don’t really do Dairy, and they don’t have a huge tendency to get involved with red meats, or generally super awful foods. Dashi, the Japanese ‘stock’ which differs from chef to chef and is used in almost everything, including Miso Soup as well as various sauces and marinades, isn’t nearly as bad for you as most other standard stocks or baselines cooking necessities.

The Japanese (And now this is all from either memory, a book I read, or a little guesswork) seem to have fairly low obesity levels, higher average age, and low cancer rates than most countries around the world, and it’s in no small part to their rather sensible diet. In fact I highly recommend a book called ‘Sushi and Beyond’ by Michael Booth – it’s really interesting and very amusing, like Bill Bryson mixed with, I don’t know, Richard Osman.

Which brings me to what I wanted to write about, the food I actually eat. Down here in Brighton we have a really decent Sushi restaurant called Moshimo. It’s got the conveyor belt, a fantastic half price offer on Monday/Tuesdays, and very friendly staff with a good selection of food. If you live in Brighton and like Sushi, and don’t go/haven’t been, then perhaps we need to have a little chat. There is probably better quality to be found elsewhere, with a few others springing up, but for value for money I’m not sure anything else rivals it. I’m a regular frequenter and am often found raving about it to no one in particular, or certainly no one who cares to hear, and infrequently ranting (bring back my healthy salad you bastards!), but I’m a loyal customer who doesn’t really go anywhere else, aka I’m a lazy creature of habit.

Well, my mate who lives in London, knew of my love for all of the above, so invited me to try a place he and his other half discovered in Covent Garden of London Town. I naturally jumped at the chance (after about 3 months of moaning about coming up due to said laziness). However it came with a stark warning – this place isn’t like Moshimo, there’s no belt, and the menu is, for want of a better word, intimidating. Not a problem for this connoisseur, I laugh in the face of such things. What he didn’t tell me is that you can’t find said menu online to pre-browse. Because it’s just a big plastic book. But more on that later.

So we arrive at said location, after a couple of pints en route, and my first impression is ‘what the fuck’. So it is called Eat Toyko, and is a little tucked away place on a road somewhere near Covent Garden. We didn’t book (LIKE THE FUCKING MAVERICKS WE ARE) but rocked up willy nilly, and the waiter looked at us like we’re maniacs who had just insinuated a rude gesture with his next of kin, yet then simply looked to his left, saw a conveniently empty table and suggested we take that (assumedly quickly before his wrath put us all in a difficult position). My mate got us some beers in quick and a starter whilst we perused the menu, since he knew how long it would probably take me to make up my mind. He wasn’t wrong. Though firstly the starter of fried bread crumbed spicy squid was unreal. A portion probably larger than I’ve seen served in some pubs and restaurants and for £3, I basically just giggled to myself at the madness. Whilst his foresight was wise (don’t tell him I said that) since this menu is like nothing I’ve looked at before. It’s about 40-50 pages, I kid you not, and it’s ridiculous. The choice is just bonkers. Everything. No seriously, EVERYTHING, is in it. Including a lovely Japanese take on sea snails, I think. I basically took a beers length of time to go from one end to another, let alone actually choose things. I was sensibly pointed to look at the Bento boxes on offer, which if you don’t know is essentially like a mix up of a few dishes in smaller portions – I obviously chose the largest one they had because I’m a fucking lad. (I just eat a lot, it seems). I actually got really angry twice because I found the whole thing so frustrating, as I eat anything, I wanted to really try and pick out some things, but I just got too lost and was too hungry, BUT, if you know what you like then you should be fine, it’ll be there and it’ll be bloody glorious.

So the food arrived, and my word it was good! The menu proudly exclaims about the award winning chef’s, and the various accolades they’ve achieved, but it’s a disservice to the overall quality of the food. And it’s not tiny portions either. My bento box was £18 and for a gent of my appetite, by the end I felt like I might vom. That didn’t even include rice, and came with Miso. Though I did get a side of Chicken Liver’s, as we decided to all order something weird ‘for the bantz’ yet apparently I was the only one to actually end up ordering it, such is my life. But even they were awesome!

I managed to get a few rubbish pics I’ve included below to give you an idea of what’s what, but my overall opinion is, if you like Sushi, go for it. Really just try it out, especially if your experience mainly consists of Yo Sushi, Itsu or Wasabi. Don’t be put off by the menu, the staff are patient and helpful, and the bento box selection should satisfy most for a first time attempt – maybe just get a ‘fun’ side like me, or don’t, see if I care. (I do.).  And the price is incredibly reasonable, so for 3 of us to have what seemed like a ridiculous amount, as they had a bit of stuff from my box (oi oi) and I pinched a couple of their rolls, excluding the beers and the service charge, came to £22 each. Now I’m not even living in London these days but know good value when I see it!

So go, I urge you, or battle me in a Sushi-off (that should so be a thing), whilst I then will select another place from my list on my next visit. In fact it’s been selected, and it’ll be a very different story – bottomless brunch in London…..

Thanks for reading and here are some awful photos, including the weird water tank we sat next to!

The time I met a beautiful blo....oh wait, no, I got Catfished!

So, for some inexplicable reason whilst I was bored but wanting to write something, I decided to put it to Twitter to choose on what topic. Though I did slyly make a suggestion about something that happened to me once that I thought might get a few nods of approval – as I thought I’d written about it before, but I hadn’t. What was it you ask? Oh it’s a bit of a gem….I once got Catfished.

To set the scene, it’s about 5 years ago. I’m a young fresh whippersnapper. Ok I’m not, I’m a mid-20’s (ish, oi don’t laugh you prick) bloke who lives in the same place I live now, with the same hairstyle, single etc. i.e. not much has changed. ANYWAY… I’m still tweeting my little face off, merrily on high, loving life.

I had a mutual follower for quite some time who I’d seen tweet a few times about things like music, which I had the odd brief chat about, and some other nonsense which I remember sparked the odd bit of ‘ubermegaultrabantz’, you know, as I do. It just so happened that this follower was named Hollie, who was a blonde with an, erm, shall we say, attractive physique who over the course of Summer had posted a couple of pics wearing like skimpy tops and cut-offs, she had a shoulder tattoo and some wording down her ribs (OI I AM NOT SHALLOW OK!! IT JUST HAPPENED THAT WAY). I remember I was at home watching a film or something and checked Twitter to see she’d tweeted something along the lines of anyone bored and fancy a chat – I thought fuck it, if you want to win the lottery you got to buy a ticket, or at least reply ‘yes’ to a tweet, either or. So I did, next thing she’s sent me her number and said to call, so call I did. She lives in Wolves, that was on her profile, so the accent matched up, i.e. I could hardly understand a fucking word she was saying, but of course I knew I was speaking to someone I thought was alright, so I gave my verbal nods with absolute gusto and made sure whenever I had no idea what she was talking about to laugh and go ‘aww that’s BRILLIANT’. A tactic I’ve adopted to anyone I speak to on the phone these days. The call was fine, wasn’t awkward and a bit of a laugh, she was a nurse in Wolves who was big into music and had a Soundcloud as fancied herself a bit of a singer. Don’t we all.

We said bye and that was it, no harm. Then later on we started texting a bit, then she gave me another call the next day, and had another chat. Well, this carried on for a couple of weeks, texting and chatting – I figured there’s no harm, it’s nice to speak to someone who makes me chuckle (presumably, still, not quite sure what she’s saying some of the time). She’s explained her plan is to move to London and then to really push her music out there, which makes sense. Lovely stuff I chortle, to no one, she’d hung up minutes before.

Skip forward a month or so, and I get a text from her saying she’s found a place in London and work have agreed to her transfer! Buzzing, I say, probably, I can’t remember. And that was set, she was moving down in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile whilst this went on, she knew I was in Brighton and had said she’s visited a couple of times and would defo when she moved down, in fact her mate was down here and owned a bar I was partially familiar with. We had a brief twitter exchange and said hi etc, he seemed alright. She also said she was moving in with her mate who was already in London, a girl called Jess. Oh, I should note these are the names, I’m not hiding them or changing them or using silly nicknames like ‘Miss pants sniffer’ or ‘sir cheesealot’ or ‘BIG’ like I’ve seen some people do, on the basis that with a first name YOU STILL DON’T HAVE A CLUE, NOR CARE, WHO THE FUCK THESE PEOPLE ARE. (pet hate, stupid online nicknames). Add into this mix there’s another girl on Twitter who is Hollie’s mate, and they have a lot of interaction about how much they love one another. It’s a wonderful time to be alive, presumably.

She moves down. She’s in London, lovely. She’s living with Jess. Cool. Meanwhile I go for a job at work, I don’t get it (‘Don’t cry for me, for there are no more tears to give’ – is that a quote? Because if it’s not, it fucking should be. You’re all welcome) and she calls me to say sorry blah blah and says she’s going to cheer me up, and low and behold she sends me a pic, like all good women do. However, in hindsight this really should have been a metaphor for someone to just slap me in the face and call me a right pillock. I remember looking at it, it was a pretty blonde in lingerie but something just wasn’t quite right with it (alright lads, keep it in your pants) with no tattoos. I text her saying cheers looking good was it taken just now, and she’s like yep – which I then replied about oh where’s the rib tattoo gone? She kind of did that ‘lol’ reply (WHICH I FUCKING HATE, HATE HATE HATE ONE WORD REPLIES WHICH ARE LOL!!!!) then said something and I thought oh fair enough. God I wish I could remember what it was, but I just went with it.

A month passes, we speak a bit, she’s now been signed to a record label based on her Soundcloud which she’s buzzing about. Meanwhile bar bloke in Brighton has been asking me who am I to Hollie, it’s all a bit awkward as I’m not really anyone, I ask the same, he says they used to hook up when she came down. Fair play to that man, I mean by looking at him REALLY fair play. Jess has followed me on Twitter, and has lots of bantz with Hollie. Hollie’s mum has randomly followed me, she doesn’t say much, the milf. Hollie’s best mate follows me too and I can see their tweets where it seems they recently went to a Beyoncé gig together. I’ve decided by this time we need to hang out, as it’s miles better than these chats and texts and whatnot, especially as London isn’t far. She agrees, great. We make a date, 2 days before though she can’t make it as her shifts are crazy and she’s called into work (Nurse, London, works all hours).

Bear in mind we’re in contact daily, and there’s talk of liking one another and all this shit (Yes yes, it was years ago, I’ve learned. OR HAVE I. I have, shut up and stop laughing). Her Twitter followers have increased from like 100 to about 1500, which doesn’t mean a thing but she’s buzzing saying her music is getting her the attention, I ask what label as I ‘know a little about music’, you know, like a grandad might say. So I go to check it out, it’s cool, Tinie Tempah is on the label, I look through the roster excited to see her name, but funny, I can’t. I check the sub label to make sure, nothing. I google the name and not getting much. Maybe they haven’t gotten round to updating it, no bother. Well, some bother, as by now I’ve got a very sure feeling something isn’t adding up, the pic thing was bothering me, she also ‘tried’ to get Skype working for me but couldn’t, and not arranging a date to meet was frustrating me. I got annoyed at her, fucked her off, so we didn’t speak for a little while.

Then it all goes a little mental. She tells me out the blue on Twitter she’s coming down if I was around for a drink or something, whilst her Twitter followers have gone from 1500 to 40k. 40k?!?! How the fuck does that even happen! Jess her mate tells me she’s looking forward to meeting me too as she’s coming down and that Hollie really likes me. Hollie’s mum doesn’t say much but likes one of my tweets, that naughty little treacle. The bar bloke see’s this and he’s tweeting her about what a big night she’ll have if she visits him and I should come along too.

 I wake up the day she’s due to come down – and my Twitter has gone mental, but all from this bar bloke. He’s DM’d me saying what exactly was going on with her, as she’s promised him she’s staying at his and they will hook up– and I can’t remember how it went, but I said about how they used to go out anyway so if they were hooking up then fine as I’d cooled off a bit. He then told me they hadn’t ever met, she just used to flirt with him online but encouraged him to make it obvious they had been a thing on Twitter. But she had told him her and I had hooked up a few times which had driven him a little loopy, I was like wtf, NO. I then go and speak to her best mate and ask about what Hollie was like at the Beyoncé concert, where she says that about an hour before she said she couldn’t make it but her cousin was going instead, so that she was with her cousin who sounded a bit of a weird recluse, and had never actually met Hollie but just responded to her tweets. Then about half an hour later the bloke then tells me to call Hollie, and look at her Twitter. So I call, phone is disconnected, odd. I check her Twitter, it’s been deleted, very odd. Her mate Jess is deleted, and her Mum, the absolute salty potato is also deleted. Then he shows me to look at this other @ which I do, it’s Hollie – except it’s not. It’s some other name I genuinely forget, who is absolutely KICKING OFF at Hollie asking why she’s stolen all her pics and has called the police! Police then actually get involved and have found out who it is and shut off ALL her social media. Turns out she really was from Wolves and a nurse, but had never moved to London and looked a fair bit different, also had a Soundcloud but was awful, and apparently had bought her followers – she also created Jess and her mum (the bloke and best mate were real but had never met her). It was pretty crazy day I must say.

All in all this was probably around 4-5 months in total from start to finish, and whilst I had some nagging feelings, I genuinely thought as I was speaking to someone who I got on with, and ultimately it was my choice to carry on chatting away and whatnot. It just got so out of hand, but she had some things that I just hadn’t considered, Jess/Mum creations, the move all the other stuff, it just kind of convinced me she was real, well not convinced but enough to keep me keen. Ultimately it’s also a symptom of me being single, and dare I say it, fairly alone. It was nice to have some attention at a fairly rubbish time in my life, but never did I expect that to happen! However the beauty is, I’ve certainly learned my lesson – I’ve only been catfished 8 times since. I jest, I have not once, and I’ve learned to look for signs (that yes you’re probably all very familiar with now, and the TV show is pretty good at it too) but as they say what doesn’t kill you, makes you look a total fucking idiot. And women, see, you too could reach this lofty aspirations! 

The day Dan met a Troll, but not a bridge in sight.

Ah 2017, what a year. Full of hope, wonder and joy. Unless you’re on Twitter of course. Then it’s just another melting pot of madness, trolling and disagreement with a sprinkling of ridiculousness, attention seeking and narcissistic tendency. And frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way, since I (and as do you) choose to use it and choose who we follow and interact with.

This brings me to what inspired me to a write a little, and if you’ve read any of my other posts, you’ll know it comes with a huge dollop of rambling and going ‘off piste’, so you can either bear with it or do one. But don’t, stay, lay back and enjoy the ride… but recently I’ve had my first encounter with an ‘internet troll’. (I’ve been catfished twice, obviously, I’m a tool)

I know some of you must deal with them on a regular basis, certainly if you post anything that might, dare I say it, inspire discussion and debate! That seems to be their cue to come out the woodwork and generally be an unseemly mess of self righteous opinion, arrogance, and ignorance to the irony often encompassed in their bleating statements. But that’s the point isn’t, it’s the old ‘stick your fingers in your ears and scream loudly’ approach – I’m right and you’re wrong and I don’t care how valid your point is. And the tragedy of it all, is as human nature dictates, we react!  Why, I’m never sure, but by gosh we do.

Take for example recently, someone I follow who has a dating twitter profile (I have inadvertently followed/been followed by many many many of these, perhaps I should date them all and rank them, but that’s for another time…) who innocently asked the question, (and I’m para-phrasing as I’ve forgotten it) “what are your online dating dislikes”. The response initially was a few people saying they aren’t fond of dating anyone shorter than them, so if they see on a profile (POF, since Tinder etc don’t list it) they tend to not be interested – which is fair enough. It’s a response to a question, it’s their personal opinion. It’s nothing outrageous, outlandish or mental – it’s something that people have been known to be partial to for years, that’s why Napoleon never got any action. (I’ve made that up, don’t attack me history people).

So that set the stage, and in walks our protagonist, oh the affliction it was to be. He interjects on the twitter discussion (all very friendly and easy going about whether height is important, or if it’s SOH, or bad shoes, etc etc) and says how as a shorter gent he dislikes it when people will pass him over due to his height. I think initially it’s a fair point to some degree, I believe that women who only date guys covered in tattoo’s is a bit strange, but I respect their opinion and move on, it’s not up for debate, that’s their choice and there’s plenty of women who don’t care, so into them I plough. Well, this chap started reasonably enough, but then I noticed something odd. The oddity in question was that more and more people were being involved in this discussion, all with very valid points and suggestions, yet his point never changed. He focused on these things. 1) Why don’t you give shorter guys a chance. Oh sorry, that’s it. THAT IS HIS ONLY POINT. Oh you were waiting for more?! Perhaps a list of valid points that he could bring into the conversation and start to get people thinking on his level? Oh, no, that would be far too easy. No no my friends, he had his point, and now he was going to really drive it home. He achieved this to maximum effect by essentially debating with these women who’ve already said they prefer guys taller than themselves (PLEASE NOTE THIS IS NOT “TALL GUYS”), which incites him to repeat about giving someone shorter a chance if it’s not working out with taller guys. Like it’s being tall which makes us complete twats. Oh yes all shorter chaps are really lovely, tall chaps are awful pricks.

This ‘discussion’ rages on for days, weeks, FUCKING ETERNITY, IT IS STILL GOING ON AS WE SPEAK. And this is where I finally clocked I/we were dealing with a troll. The points people made were so valid, made so much sense and done in such a logical way – yet all his response were just the same as before. There was nothing new, nothing that was an amicable discussion. There is a constant attempted evocation of pity, then there’s his quip for stating he is merely standing up for what he believes, which in this case, and I kid you not, is “heightism”.

“Heightism” – Noun, it means, being a dickhead. OK SORRY THAT WAS A JOKE. I jest I jest. It doesn’t, it actually means ‘Prejudice or discrimination against someone on the basis of their height.’ – Which I can understand.

“Discrimination” – Noun, it means ‘The unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people, especially on the grounds of race, age, or sex’

“Prejudicial” – Adjective, it means ‘Harmful to someone or something; detrimental’

Right, just so we’re clear. So in the space of a day there were accusations of heightism flying about, which then became discrimination comparing at one stage WITH THE PLIGHT AND DISCRIMINATION THAT MARTIN LUTHER KING FOUGHT AGAINST. Yes you read that right. What the flying fuck was going on. Apparently they are exactly the same thing. A young lady would prefer to date someone taller than her, AND ESSENTIALLY THE RACIAL DISCRIMINATION THAT COUNTLESS PEOPLE HAVE SUFFERED FOR GENERATIONS. I’d like to point out that this person is 5’6” and white.

I must have missed the declaration that women having a preference became harmful to him, apart from harming his feelings. Man the fuck up. Oh and to add, his passing rejection of a couple of women who did say that height doesn’t bother him because they weren’t pretty enough. Double standards are everywhere.

Without losing sight of everything, I’d like to make a couple of observations. If I was to go to 100 women who had stated they ONLY date guys with dreadlocks, and said “but I’m super awesome, why don’t you give me a chance” they will politely tell me to fuck off, it is their preference, it’s not harming me, and is quite clearly not leading me on, it is simply saying sorry pal, not my type. If I then repeat my point AD INFINITUM, I do not think that a) they will think I’m an awesome non dreadlocked chap b) suddenly respect me c) agree with me and get all up in my dating world.  

And the biggest elephant in that particular room is, my sample size was 100 people I KNEW had stated I was not on their radar. I can’t then, having known that information, state how none of them fancy me. That’s already been pre-established. THAT IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I can’t then use that to moan at life and say well I asked 100 women, and 100 women said no. That’s what is called creating a self-inflicted pity party with you being the only attendee. It’s otherwise known as being a right little troll.

Add into the mix the mild mannered attack on my choice of tie in my Twitter profile pic, which was provided to me as an usher at my mate’s wedding. Beef with him, not me. Additionally at least I don’t try and hide who I am. Typical behaviour. Additionally after I’d noticed (and said) how he’d get in these mass group discussions which were picking up steam which many people saw, he’d then  start following them and segregating them, suddenly taking a softly softly approach in order to solicit pity – he’d accuse me of the same. It’s just such obvious ‘attack is the best form of defence’ when things aren’t going his way and he doesn’t have a response to various valid points. It’s childlike behaviour and is typical once more, of a keyboard warrior.

Anyway, I think I’ve raved and ranted enough. Some may not agree with it, some may think perhaps I am prejudice or petty for writing this – and that’s fine with me. It’s not really about taking sides, it’s about awareness of what people can be like on this crazy social media platform. Sometimes it just blows my mind what it allows people to essentially get away with, and really enforces the exaggerated opinion from some. You cannot force opinion, so why try? The craziest thing is, if they would have just a bit of self-awareness, or an ounce of humour about the situation, I guarantee they would have had far more agreement. Yet all they do is appear belligerent and forthright.

I’m still waiting to tell him how a couple of my mates are his height, and they have never ever struggled for women, but I think that’s easily solved: they aren’t cunts.

Cheers.

Dan

Ah Life

Ah Life, a strange beast at times, beautifully summarized by Des’ree’s classic balled. I mean how could you not feel a strong connection to such lyrics as “I don't want to see a ghost, It's a sight that I fear most, I'd rather have a piece of toast, And watch the evening news”, quite.

I think there’s no real answer to it, we all forge our own paths, we all do what we feel is the right thing for us to be able to amble through. We have different priorities, goals and fears, based on differing strengths and weaknesses. We are individually unique. Yet collectively we are similar. We often think about ourselves to a certain degree, we will care about loved ones, and equally in times of need, we will try our best to think, and support, the wider group. We feel global impacts, and many have an ability to instinctively put others ahead of themselves, literally putting their lives on the line to support people that others wouldn’t give a passing thought to.

I’m not really saying anything you didn’t know, and haven’t even really got to what all this is about (I will, I promise). During our time on this Earth we will all lead truly different lives to one another, yet we will still strive for some roughly similar goals – to find someone, be it a friend, a lover, or a soul mate (or all 3). A vast amount will take that further, to the creation of a family. Everyone often looks for their purpose, and then ultimately, recount the life they led and if it brought them that overriding emotion, happiness. Was it all worth it? Inevitably to reach the good times, we often endure the bad.

“When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.”– Malcolm S. Forbes

With Social Media so prevalent in this day and age, it’s interesting to see people on a wider scale than perhaps you could do 50 years ago. A tragedy happens, and people will tweet/Facebook/text/call – whatever they can, to offer condolences and support. It might not actually have any impact on the situation, but it gives people some kind of peace of mind to say least they cared.

It’s the same on a personal scale, for those who choose to share their woe’s via these platforms are often met with a series of “you ok” by friends and strangers alike. It’s a curious reaction. Do we truly care, do we want to wade into the personal issues of someone we might not know (certain in Twitter’s case), or do we once more do it to self validate that we are showing support where we feel it’s due?  

Is one more important than the other, yes, but perhaps not necessarily to that person. Janice may feel her latest heartbreak is worthy of a lengthy FB post, to a series of ‘you ok hun?’ vs a tragedy somewhere outside of our line of sight, whereby hundreds die – would Janice write a lengthy piece on that? Perhaps not. It’s part of who we are, as on the flipside, Bill the naturist, may never post a single thing on his personal life on any platform, but is hugely visible when there are tragedies, shootings, natural disasters – blasting it all over social media. Hundreds reply, passing on their thoughts and RIP’s, does it make this a more valid output than that of Janice? It depends how you choose to perceive these two situations. What matters most, what impacts you and that you have an ability to control, or what you can’t control but understand the more grave nature of the situation.

It’s how “first world problems” was born, really. Whilst often tongue in cheek, it does carry a message, that you as a person have a right to moan, to invoke pity, to want someone to speak to, but you’re self aware enough to understand in the grand scheme of things, it’s meaningless. In the above scenario, to me, Janice is a first world problem, whilst Bill isn’t – to Janice, I don’t believe she would agree.

Apologies, I’ve rambled. So stepping back and remembering I intended to write this almost as a personal ‘more woe me’(First world problem!) piece, for a situation I’m struggling with, I guess it sort of touches on some of the above. When it’s personal, it can be difficult to understand, interpret and react to. That’s why we have friends/family/support, as it allows us to get an additional perspective, perhaps backing up what we already thought, or offering a new insight we may not have previously considered.

The more I write (this is a single draft post, I’m not intending to go back and change anything, it’s as it pours out my brain), the more I think perhaps it’s not the best idea to vomit the challenges I’m facing as I appreciate I’ll become a parody of this article, I will be Janice. But equally, I, like most, need to try and understand the situation, and what the “right” decision would be. Though the tidbit of information I guess you can gleam from this is that it’s about a girl. It’s always about a girl right? The classic “if only it was so simple” has never been more apt. I don’t really serial date, I’m fussy, I’m fairly private and I don’t really talk to anyone about these things unless they explicitly ask me. Even then I’ll perhaps play it down, remain ambiguous, and generally frustrate them to the point where they don’t really want to ask anymore. That’s me and my brains fault, like a vast number of people I’m not really wired properly, I’ve had mental health issues which I’ve written about in the past, I get anxious, I think I had my first panic attack the other day, and I worry. My brain works at a million miles an hour (not on my smarts, sadly) to create a series of 100 scenarios of what it means when someone says “Hi” to me, let alone when something of actual importance happens. I drive myself insane, I get sad (and it seems lately, back to the stages of Depression, but please, this is not a cry for help, I’ll get better – I’m certain of it), and I get upset. Living alone doesn’t help, and I’m sure many of you are the same, and for others this sounds both ridiculous and excessively FWP mixed with a dose of MWM (both acronyms from things mentioned above).

This all means, that when someone says something to me that really isn’t a huge deal – I fail to allow that interpretation, and if it’s something important to me, it becomes huge, played out in multiple scenarios as to the reasoning behind it. It sounds crazy, I know. So when a girl, who I’ve been friends with for some time, and very close to, talked to me about getting together, you can imagine my brain sort of hitting meltdown mode. I of course complied, she’s someone I’ve been attracted to since day 1. She said I’d be good for her (she’d been in 2 very long term relationships), she likes me very much, and I her. What could be bad you say? Well with the good, comes the bad – she is very direct, and once she has something in her head, that’s really it. Within a few weeks she decided she wanted to date other people, because she never really got to experience it all before. She didn’t want to be exclusive, and this in fact progressed to her wanting to actually get with more people, because once more, she hasn’t really had the opportunity. Perfectly understandable I guess, but where does that leave me. She doesn’t want to lose me as a friend (the classic) and we can date, but it has to be casual. By now I’ve gone through 10,000 scenarios and situations, and it’s basically eating me alive. She kind of understands, we’ve talked about it, but her mind is made up. It doesn’t help that she knows I’m a nice guy, and in fact I’m probably too nice and caring rather than the racey and exciting wild guys I think she’s looking for. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, as if I choose to back off, then I’ll do it entirely, cold turkey. And it will suck, for both of us. Actually that's an understatement, it will be crushing for me, I don't really open up or become attached much, maybe to like 5 girls in my life? This would be the worst. I continue to casually date her, and I have to contend with other guys, other guys she will actually develop feelings for and sleep with(they won’t be all first dates, she’s already wanting to see a guy for their second date). That also will crush me, as I already can see a mile off, I'll get jealous and angry and upset, she'll want less and less to do with me because of this, she'll want to see these other guys more, they become closer and I basically fade out. 

Finally, after a long time, I get the woman I can see a future with, and then like that, it’s ripped from my grasp. Life, you’re a bit cruel sometimes. Equally through all this, I know, FWP. We’re a country in political turmoil with an uncertain future, there are terrible gun crimes in the US, and there’s people out there who are so less fortunate than I am – yet, I can’t help but be Janice.

I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know what I can take, and I don’t want to just end the whole thing. How does anyone deal with anything like this! I really should add, that this isn't just a case of 'plenty more fish in the sea' scenario. I've been single a long time, and this is the first time I've felt totally at ease and could see something long term with. 

Anyway. That was it. I’ve written 1,500 words about life and people, and about 200 on my actual reason for writing this. Sorry about that. But if you made it this far, thank you for listening. You are the people I’ve chosen to turn to. This is my platform of choice.

Something I mentioned earlier I’d like to touch on and expand is around loneliness. Whilst easier said than done, don’t ever feel like you’re truly alone – even if it’s the only conclusion you come to. You’ll be surprised, as I said, we humans are an interesting bunch. I say this because loneliness and especially being alone with our non happy thoughts is destructive, and it can be dangerous. Take it from me first hand, even if it means doing a Janice, do it.

I saw the below proverb, and it kind of stuck with me. 

Thanks.

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”– Japanese Proverb

Online dating: It’s all a bit of a shambles

I know I’m gambling on general agreement, since many enjoy the merits of online dating, whilst some have had long term relationships or even a marriage or two come from it! However I feel that whilst this is now almost the preferred method of dating by probably anyone under 50, it still isn’t without a variety of flaws, issues and concerns.

I’ve been reading the brilliant ‘Modern Romance’ by one of my current favourite comedians, Aziz Ansari where he flirts with the far more wider concept of dating now compared to way back when, but I wanted to kind of elaborate on a small portion based on my experience and others I’ve spoken to.

Now when I talk about online dating, I’ll be a touch clearer. I’m not talking about those sites you pay for, Match.com or eHarmony etc. I’m talking more about your free apps, Tinder, Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid type apps. The tabloids of the virtual dating world, rather than the classier broadsheets, if you will.

Also I’m talking from a male perspective, which from what I’ve discussed and lazily researched, is quite a different experience from a mans. Which I guess is probably assumed anyway but will go into the big differences shortly within each point. But yeah, it’s mostly about the guys.

 

So, you’re a newly single man and looking for…well I’m not sure… let’s say you’re looking to make a connection and see where it goes. Ambiguous I know, but extend it to you’re a normal guy looking for dating and hopefully a relationship. You join one of the ‘tabloids’ and get to work. You set up your profile (perhaps a picture of you holding a puppy, or looking at the stars, or kicking a football at an unsuspecting child’s face. You choose) and you venture out there. There’s a wealth of women to choose from, so what do you do.

I’ve listed a few ‘steps’ of points I find ‘mildly’ irritating. Also this will be based roughly around POF/OK rather than Tinder due to its mutual like need, however you could apply it on the assumption that you’ve ‘liked’ one another.

 

 

#1 Shambles – the first message.

There’s 3 very distinct ways of doing this. I’ve tried all 3, and all 3 work to a varying degree. I imagine a muscly tattooed male probably only needs to try one and will eclipse my success rate in a matter of minutes. And if he’s got a beard? I might as well just give up entirely. Ah women, certainly not as fickle as men, no siree.

The first is, you see a lady you like – and no matter what ANYONE says, the first thing you’re going to be drawn to is her looks. Photos are almost a requirement now on these sites, and for Tinder, they are really pushed to the forefront. This is the huge difference with a natural old fashioned type meeting. Where it might be a work colleague, or a friend, or a friend of a friend’s second cousin. You’re thrown into a situation with them that you might not have chosen naturally, but it turns out you get on great and romance blossoms. For online dating this isn’t the case at all, you don’t have those ‘meet as friends and see what happens’ type situations. You’re naturally messaging someone you like, or think you might like. You’re not messaging them to friend zone you for life and unload their actual man problems on are you. (Are you?! Because if you are, get out). Also can I recommend that girls who list 2+ social media contact details (FB name, SC etc), tread carefully. It’s a bit stakerish if you go all in and just add everything straight away. Though saying that I have added one SC before where the girl didn’t realise it was me and thought I was a total random and seemed to like this new me more than the me who had spoken to her on POF!! Ah love my weird life sometimes.

Anyway, I digress. I said 3 types and here they are:

1)      The generic message – this is a standard no name, “how’s it going” / “had a good weekend” type message. I think we’ve all found it boring simply reading this point!

2)      The template – it’s your staple approach, your bread and butter. It’s a bit fun, maybe with a couple of questions (Not the ones above!), and this is crucial, you always include their name! And obviously remember to change it for each person you send it to. That doesn’t go down too well. As then that’ll really dazzle them, you’re fun AND paying attention who you’re sending it to! It couldn’t possibly be a message he sends to every girl…

3)      The deeply personal message – this is where you’ve taken the time to craft a message that touches on a multitude of interests and likes on that persons profile. You’ve addressed her by her name and probably linked to a few of your own interests. It’s taken you 10 minutes to do whilst listening to Drake, thinking that one day the two of you will have your own Marvins Room moment

 

 

#2 Shambles – the reply.

You’ve chosen from 1 of the 3 above, fired it out to a girl you think you could be compatible with, and now you wait.

Generally speaking, guys will always make the first move. This shouldn’t surprise you, and contrary to bigamists, is not sexist. It’s as old as the hills, the guy courts the woman. This shouldn’t be any different. The guy spots his prey/girl he likes, whatever, and he makes his move.
Now I’ve given this section its own conclusion already by indicating there is a reply. But to even get to this stage it can be painstaking. Some apps let you know when the person was last active (a gift or a curse, you decide. I’m firmly in curse territory as you’ll come to see), and so getting one who is means odds are she’s going to see your message fairly soon. However never underestimate your fellow gender pals. I imagine if you’ve found a lovely looking/sounding (really looking) lady, then so have a few others. They’ve all sent a message, now her inbox is full of a range of 1, 2’s and 3’s. What does she go for, what’s she after, does she like F*CKING TRIBAL TATTOOS!!!

The giveaway that she’s read it is simple. She’s viewed your profile *gulp*. Immediately you’re thinking does she like what she sees?! Does she like what she’s read?! Does she like the combination of your football kicking picture mixed with your “how’s it going” message?! Did she even do both! (Some mental women have read and replied to messages without ever looking at my profile. They might be all about ‘personality’. It didn’t work out.)

So now you’re waiting. And waiting. And waiting. She’s been online for 2 hours straight (you’ve kept a log, it’s been 2 episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians by your reckoning) and she’s still not replied. You’ve punched a pillow and sent a selfie to everyone on snapchat to try and feel loved. I don’t think it’s going to happen mate.

 

 

#3 Shambles – the next step.

This is so generically written, thanks for reading if you are. I’ve not planned this out at all. However I’m being logical and the next step feels a good place to be.

Right so you’ve finished pouting into snap chat and had replies from male friends begging you to stop. The pillow is in bits and your tears have dried.

One of four things happen at this time:

1)      You do nothing. You man up. You take a breath and you move on. You go back to Shambles #1 and then just apply it to 50 girls. You’re now playing ‘a numbers game’. No I don’t think it means anything either, but say it to feel a bit better about your life. Celebrate by having a Chocolate Éclair, you’re now a ‘playa’

2)      You send another message, perhaps similar but not identical, you know just in case she didn’t get the first one (despite looking at your picture and vomiting in her mouth). You playfully mention you sent one before but not to worry BECAUSE YOU ARE SUPER CHILLED.

3)      You send another message, very different to the last. You laugh at how pathetic she is. You tell her she’s ugly anyway (whilst staring at her picture which you’ve made as your background). And that’s she would be punching with you. You high five the nearest wall. Celebrate by having a Chocolate Éclair, you’re now a ‘playa’

4)      She replies. Oh sh*t just got real!

 

 

#4 Shambles – the exchange.

Basically if you hit 1-3 on the previous #, just repeat until you hit the 4^th option. And then you’ve made it to this stage. Congratulations. But you can’t rest on your laurels, what happens next?!

You’re now smiling, you know she’s both looked at you and listened to your opening gambit and she’s in. Well I mean, she’s alright to go a little further and try to determine you’re not a total nutter (Always found this amusing “Are you a nutter?” “Nope. Promise” “Oh ok want to date?” ) like a few messages will tell her that. Just don’t tell her you dream of kicking Kittens or punching Donkeys and you should be ok.

But now the ball is firmly back in your court, she’s responded to you. Assuming you don’t playa it up and drive her to do 1-3 above, and aim to reply in a fairly normal manner (people who delay x amount of time to ensure they aren’t too keen, get in the sea. And girls who actually like that? End yourselves). So start constructing! Obviously you’re going to respond to anything she’s asked you, playing on any connections you’ve already made, maybe chucking in another question or two based on interests (generally, asking how big her, well whatever is, isn’t the ideal question despite what you think).

The whole thing is weird to me. Like you’re some quivering wreck asking her if she likes Apples or some nonsense, hoping she’ll give you more than 2 minutes before some 6’4” stacked lad called Gary from Leeds who bench presses cattle steals her attention away. With your aim being that you can hit the Holy Grail, securing her number. Also don’t panic and immediately send her your phone number, full name for FB purposes, SC addy, Fax number and National Insurance number, play it cool Trig, play it cool.

 Just be normal and ask normal stuff. There’s really no trick to this. But it’s just one of those cringey moments. My advice is try and keep a quick back and forth going so you’ve got her full attention, don’t let it go over days as she’ll lose interest generally speaking. Especially if you see she’s online and hasn’t replied to your last message (twice, you logged it down, never not log things. Like how often you hear a thump upstairs, like it’s another body being put on a pile).

Let’s assume it goes quite well, you’re comfy and chatting away and you’ve beaten off the competition (or so you’re told, I don’t fully believe this in most scenarios, women much like men will always have a couple of backups) and you’ve got her number, then well done, I guess you’ve come through the online maze successful and can move onto more normal human interaction. God forbid you might even want to go for a drink soon!

And no, 'Netflix & chill' is not a good first date suggestion!

Coming soon (if people want it): Part 2, actual dating.