Online dating: It’s all a bit of a shambles

I know I’m gambling on general agreement, since many enjoy the merits of online dating, whilst some have had long term relationships or even a marriage or two come from it! However I feel that whilst this is now almost the preferred method of dating by probably anyone under 50, it still isn’t without a variety of flaws, issues and concerns.

I’ve been reading the brilliant ‘Modern Romance’ by one of my current favourite comedians, Aziz Ansari where he flirts with the far more wider concept of dating now compared to way back when, but I wanted to kind of elaborate on a small portion based on my experience and others I’ve spoken to.

Now when I talk about online dating, I’ll be a touch clearer. I’m not talking about those sites you pay for, Match.com or eHarmony etc. I’m talking more about your free apps, Tinder, Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid type apps. The tabloids of the virtual dating world, rather than the classier broadsheets, if you will.

Also I’m talking from a male perspective, which from what I’ve discussed and lazily researched, is quite a different experience from a mans. Which I guess is probably assumed anyway but will go into the big differences shortly within each point. But yeah, it’s mostly about the guys.

 

So, you’re a newly single man and looking for…well I’m not sure… let’s say you’re looking to make a connection and see where it goes. Ambiguous I know, but extend it to you’re a normal guy looking for dating and hopefully a relationship. You join one of the ‘tabloids’ and get to work. You set up your profile (perhaps a picture of you holding a puppy, or looking at the stars, or kicking a football at an unsuspecting child’s face. You choose) and you venture out there. There’s a wealth of women to choose from, so what do you do.

I’ve listed a few ‘steps’ of points I find ‘mildly’ irritating. Also this will be based roughly around POF/OK rather than Tinder due to its mutual like need, however you could apply it on the assumption that you’ve ‘liked’ one another.

 

 

#1 Shambles – the first message.

There’s 3 very distinct ways of doing this. I’ve tried all 3, and all 3 work to a varying degree. I imagine a muscly tattooed male probably only needs to try one and will eclipse my success rate in a matter of minutes. And if he’s got a beard? I might as well just give up entirely. Ah women, certainly not as fickle as men, no siree.

The first is, you see a lady you like – and no matter what ANYONE says, the first thing you’re going to be drawn to is her looks. Photos are almost a requirement now on these sites, and for Tinder, they are really pushed to the forefront. This is the huge difference with a natural old fashioned type meeting. Where it might be a work colleague, or a friend, or a friend of a friend’s second cousin. You’re thrown into a situation with them that you might not have chosen naturally, but it turns out you get on great and romance blossoms. For online dating this isn’t the case at all, you don’t have those ‘meet as friends and see what happens’ type situations. You’re naturally messaging someone you like, or think you might like. You’re not messaging them to friend zone you for life and unload their actual man problems on are you. (Are you?! Because if you are, get out). Also can I recommend that girls who list 2+ social media contact details (FB name, SC etc), tread carefully. It’s a bit stakerish if you go all in and just add everything straight away. Though saying that I have added one SC before where the girl didn’t realise it was me and thought I was a total random and seemed to like this new me more than the me who had spoken to her on POF!! Ah love my weird life sometimes.

Anyway, I digress. I said 3 types and here they are:

1)      The generic message – this is a standard no name, “how’s it going” / “had a good weekend” type message. I think we’ve all found it boring simply reading this point!

2)      The template – it’s your staple approach, your bread and butter. It’s a bit fun, maybe with a couple of questions (Not the ones above!), and this is crucial, you always include their name! And obviously remember to change it for each person you send it to. That doesn’t go down too well. As then that’ll really dazzle them, you’re fun AND paying attention who you’re sending it to! It couldn’t possibly be a message he sends to every girl…

3)      The deeply personal message – this is where you’ve taken the time to craft a message that touches on a multitude of interests and likes on that persons profile. You’ve addressed her by her name and probably linked to a few of your own interests. It’s taken you 10 minutes to do whilst listening to Drake, thinking that one day the two of you will have your own Marvins Room moment

 

 

#2 Shambles – the reply.

You’ve chosen from 1 of the 3 above, fired it out to a girl you think you could be compatible with, and now you wait.

Generally speaking, guys will always make the first move. This shouldn’t surprise you, and contrary to bigamists, is not sexist. It’s as old as the hills, the guy courts the woman. This shouldn’t be any different. The guy spots his prey/girl he likes, whatever, and he makes his move.
Now I’ve given this section its own conclusion already by indicating there is a reply. But to even get to this stage it can be painstaking. Some apps let you know when the person was last active (a gift or a curse, you decide. I’m firmly in curse territory as you’ll come to see), and so getting one who is means odds are she’s going to see your message fairly soon. However never underestimate your fellow gender pals. I imagine if you’ve found a lovely looking/sounding (really looking) lady, then so have a few others. They’ve all sent a message, now her inbox is full of a range of 1, 2’s and 3’s. What does she go for, what’s she after, does she like F*CKING TRIBAL TATTOOS!!!

The giveaway that she’s read it is simple. She’s viewed your profile *gulp*. Immediately you’re thinking does she like what she sees?! Does she like what she’s read?! Does she like the combination of your football kicking picture mixed with your “how’s it going” message?! Did she even do both! (Some mental women have read and replied to messages without ever looking at my profile. They might be all about ‘personality’. It didn’t work out.)

So now you’re waiting. And waiting. And waiting. She’s been online for 2 hours straight (you’ve kept a log, it’s been 2 episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians by your reckoning) and she’s still not replied. You’ve punched a pillow and sent a selfie to everyone on snapchat to try and feel loved. I don’t think it’s going to happen mate.

 

 

#3 Shambles – the next step.

This is so generically written, thanks for reading if you are. I’ve not planned this out at all. However I’m being logical and the next step feels a good place to be.

Right so you’ve finished pouting into snap chat and had replies from male friends begging you to stop. The pillow is in bits and your tears have dried.

One of four things happen at this time:

1)      You do nothing. You man up. You take a breath and you move on. You go back to Shambles #1 and then just apply it to 50 girls. You’re now playing ‘a numbers game’. No I don’t think it means anything either, but say it to feel a bit better about your life. Celebrate by having a Chocolate Éclair, you’re now a ‘playa’

2)      You send another message, perhaps similar but not identical, you know just in case she didn’t get the first one (despite looking at your picture and vomiting in her mouth). You playfully mention you sent one before but not to worry BECAUSE YOU ARE SUPER CHILLED.

3)      You send another message, very different to the last. You laugh at how pathetic she is. You tell her she’s ugly anyway (whilst staring at her picture which you’ve made as your background). And that’s she would be punching with you. You high five the nearest wall. Celebrate by having a Chocolate Éclair, you’re now a ‘playa’

4)      She replies. Oh sh*t just got real!

 

 

#4 Shambles – the exchange.

Basically if you hit 1-3 on the previous #, just repeat until you hit the 4^th option. And then you’ve made it to this stage. Congratulations. But you can’t rest on your laurels, what happens next?!

You’re now smiling, you know she’s both looked at you and listened to your opening gambit and she’s in. Well I mean, she’s alright to go a little further and try to determine you’re not a total nutter (Always found this amusing “Are you a nutter?” “Nope. Promise” “Oh ok want to date?” ) like a few messages will tell her that. Just don’t tell her you dream of kicking Kittens or punching Donkeys and you should be ok.

But now the ball is firmly back in your court, she’s responded to you. Assuming you don’t playa it up and drive her to do 1-3 above, and aim to reply in a fairly normal manner (people who delay x amount of time to ensure they aren’t too keen, get in the sea. And girls who actually like that? End yourselves). So start constructing! Obviously you’re going to respond to anything she’s asked you, playing on any connections you’ve already made, maybe chucking in another question or two based on interests (generally, asking how big her, well whatever is, isn’t the ideal question despite what you think).

The whole thing is weird to me. Like you’re some quivering wreck asking her if she likes Apples or some nonsense, hoping she’ll give you more than 2 minutes before some 6’4” stacked lad called Gary from Leeds who bench presses cattle steals her attention away. With your aim being that you can hit the Holy Grail, securing her number. Also don’t panic and immediately send her your phone number, full name for FB purposes, SC addy, Fax number and National Insurance number, play it cool Trig, play it cool.

 Just be normal and ask normal stuff. There’s really no trick to this. But it’s just one of those cringey moments. My advice is try and keep a quick back and forth going so you’ve got her full attention, don’t let it go over days as she’ll lose interest generally speaking. Especially if you see she’s online and hasn’t replied to your last message (twice, you logged it down, never not log things. Like how often you hear a thump upstairs, like it’s another body being put on a pile).

Let’s assume it goes quite well, you’re comfy and chatting away and you’ve beaten off the competition (or so you’re told, I don’t fully believe this in most scenarios, women much like men will always have a couple of backups) and you’ve got her number, then well done, I guess you’ve come through the online maze successful and can move onto more normal human interaction. God forbid you might even want to go for a drink soon!

And no, 'Netflix & chill' is not a good first date suggestion!

Coming soon (if people want it): Part 2, actual dating.