I'm off soon. Excited? Sort of, nervous? You bet

Just felt like writing a little something, so I have. Funny how that works eh! Though I have committed to writing a bit more when I move, to sort of ‘document the change’ as it were. Did I tell you I’m moving? Yeah, well, I am,

Except it’s a little further than I’d expect.

NYC. It still feels really weird to think about or say. Like I’ve been sort of thinking/wishing for this move for a good 18 months or more, and wondered how it could happen, but I never thought it actually would! It was just one of those sort of ideas you say but never do. I’m really good at them by the way!

But yeah, so it cropped up in a sort of very informal conversation at work a couple of months ago, and has slowly snowballed into what is happening now, which is getting into the final stages for approval for a work VISA.

I won’t go into all the details and bits and pieces, because mostly it’s boring, but also as it’s not finalized yet I don’t want to jinx it. But I’ve agreed to the  job and the contract  etc, so really it’s just down to me ensuring I tick the right boxes, and don’t accidentally say I’m moving in order to (And this is a real question) ‘train an army of child soldiers’. Tempting though!

Still not everyone knows, but most do, which is fine – however I’ve still not been given a date, mostly because you can’t say exactly how long the VISA will take to sort, which kind of means my whole life is in some weird status. I can’t say to perspective tenants in my flat when they can move in, as I’m unsure when I’m moving out. I can’t look for a place there, because I don’t know when I’m arriving. I can’t arrange leaving drinks, or a couple of fun things I had planned, because I don’t know if I’ll be here. Everyone asks am I excited, and it’s amazing, and I agree – but at this very moment in time, I’m not excited, I’m frustrated. I don’t like ambiguity, and this is pretty big, so I guess I just need to get on with things, I can do as much prep as possible I suppose.

But because of all this, until I get that date to work towards, or the approval of the go ahead to start the VISA application, I’m sort of ignoring everything else. And that’s a pretty big ‘everything else’, friends, family, people I really care about – I’m going to miss them hugely, and I’m moving on my own to god knows where on another continent, they won’t be in the same frame of mind of me either  due to time differences, and asleep at other times. However it’s something I want, and need to do, as I appreciate the opportunity is amazing. It’s just right now, I’m not excited really, and I’m not in the right frame of mind to appreciate it – but I will, I really will.

Anyway, that’ll do for now.

Cheers

Dan

'Dan ponders' - Literally nonsense on a page

Happy belated new year.

Least that’s now out the way. If this is the first thing of mine you’ve ever read, don’t be surprised as I’m an incredibly lazy writer/person. I’ve spent the last two years especially lacking in motivation of things to write about, or consider worth writing about. In fact the below will probably not be any different, I’m just forcing myself to jot something down.

However, I’ve decided this will be a series of my musings which have popped into my little head, perhaps a smattering of half made points that will collide and confuse during my literal mutterings (I don’t re-read what I’ve typed, this is it, one take, done).

Personally the last year or so has been, like most, fairly normal with some unique situations going on. People like to think that ‘X year will be MY year’ – but, it won’t. Sorry. Every year is everyone’s year, and we’re ornately designed to be somewhat selfish/self-absorbed – so this isn’t actually the case, it’s just a year where some good and some bad might happen, like any other. I appreciate for those on social media (Twitter, mostly looking at you for a change), this might sound a terrible thing to say, and make some gasp – WHAT! I AM NOT SELFISH! Being the outcry, sure, that’s cool – each to their own, man. I’m only calling it how, well how it is. Even the most selfless person may sometimes internally have selfish reasons for their actions.

It links to people believing themselves to be utterly unique, one in a million, no two the same. And that’s true…to an extent. Personality wise, you are unique. YOU reading this (all 1 of you), are unique, no one is the same as you. However as a human being, you’re not. You’re built mostly the same as most others. Sorry. And that’s where this wishy-washy point swirls into the aforementioned selfish piece, it’s how we’re designed from the principles of self-survival, we also have the principles of human nature. Twitter has now become the perfect conduit for this, but it’s taken me years to realize – with probably the last 12-18 months really being the ‘awaking’ to it I needed. It allows everyone to have a voice, a unique single voice, which comically within certain circles actually becomes a unique single MASS voice, echoed by people who want validation and require support. I’ve been guilty of it, for sure, but what I find the most amusing is perhaps those with the lack of self-awareness to even realise, and still feel like they are some independent strong willed individual, who just happens to be the same as countless others. Sometimes I think people are scared to truly be themselves, and that’s a real shame.

This isn’t a dig as such, it’s an observation. I’ve probably lost most of you reading this by now anyway with my confusing spiel, and that’s fine – I write for myself mostly anyway, but even I don’t always understand what appears on the page. I think my final thought on this particular strand of nonsense is tribalism is a real thing, and is particularly apparent on social media, with groups with similar interests forming a bond, which unhelpfully (and I think to some degree, unhealthily) leading to examples of sheep following, mutual unneeded or unwarranted ‘bigging up’, a need of validation from one another that leads into what at times looks to be disingenuous praise, which is really no help to anyone, and degrees of bullying. Just something worth considering – but that’s that about, well, that.

One thing I do like though, for a change, is how people can help one another, and it does appear genuine. It’s touching to see, albeit the various ways that can be achieved, all of which probably do more good than we realize. And also for those who manage to find happiness either within themselves or with another, whatever works – we don’t all get to experience that, or know how to, so it’s actually something that should be cherished and revered, and I think at times we perhaps aren’t aware enough of this, and even become a touch embarrassed when the world around us is such a shitshow. Embrace that, never know how long it’s going to last.

For me personally, I think I’ve had an ok year. Gone through the standard practise of some good times, some great times and some pretty rubbish ones, which is about par for the course. I’m considering writing something more specific to that now that I’ve jotted some words down – it will be for me, but you may take some interest in it.

Anyway that’ll do for now.

Cheers,
Dan

Overthinking. It can be a bit of an issue

It's a strange concept really, the definition is quite simply 'think about (something) too much or for too long.' It's a naturally simple concept to understand, define and ultimately pick out. But something which has occurred to me over the years, and I suspect many else, some do it without thinking.

So I should stress, I can only state this from a personal point of view, and I'm so sorry I can't keep it holistic for everyone, but please tell your stories as you see fit. 
Overthinking isn't something I'd ever even heard of until a few years ago, and firstly it came from my friends, and I laughed it off. It was from a notion of simply coming up with a few 'what ifs' on something that perhaps didn't matter or have any consequences, as I said, I didn't even think anything of it. What an ignorant prat, I can now retort, safely in the confines of 3-4 years later! 

Then it started happening with women I was romantically engaged with. Small things at first, innocuous things, but it was constant. Anything I'd be overthinking, you couldn't make a date, you couldn't answer my call, you couldn't do various things. To me it wasn't normal behavior, yet every time I was overthinking. 
You know what, I kind of agreed. I like to think I'm super laid back and chilled out, but sometimes I become almost militant, I can't explain it - I just like things to be as agreed. I dislike it when people can't stick to a plan, if you don't like the plan, change it - I'm fine with it, but don't agree then do something mental. Perhaps I've just overthought that and we should all just live life how we deem best, it's short, and should be fun. I agree, I just can't seem to express that, especially if it impacts me. 

And the worst impact? It can really impact things badly, even if you don't realize things. It's the reason you suspect things that never happened, or you considered situations that never materialized. It will drive you insane for answers you want but don't have. And eventually it'll filter into conversations, discussions, and ultimately arguments. Faux insinuations will be thrown around, insults will be made, people will be hurt. It's horrible, yet when overthinking it's all so very logical. Even when there is no foundation. I appreciate at this point it's a bit like saying if you say 100 bad things, something will stick, but that's not quite the jist, it's like in your mind you're saying 3 valid things, but in reality, all could be so far from the truth and by then, it's too late, no one needs to, or should deal with that. And for my part in that, I'm sorry. Because the funny thing is, to you, it's just me being a bit of an annoying dickhead, and that's partly true, as that's how it is perceived. Another common misconception is when someone will tell me to 'chill out', often women when I've said something they deem overthinking (it is, they are correct), but it's like I've done it on purpose to say all this stuff. I mean I have, to some degree, but I know I shouldn't, and it has 100% scared off women in the past, and women I really liked too, in fact I ended up liking so much I overthought everything and blurted it all out and scared them off - you see what I did there, that's how it works, it's an endless cycle at times. 
I actually think I've done it a slight disservice, because there are some additional impacts I didn't initially think about, which is ironic right? RIGHT?! Because overthinking is basically a daily occurrence. I do it almost obsessively working out dinner, as I get really anxious if I'm sort of 'winging it' - either I've planned it the day(s) before, or I'm going out, I can't just come home to no food and be like oh I'll get a takeaway, no no, there needs to be absolute planning (again, perhaps normal, but it doesn't feel normal, I feel it's weird). And that's just dinner! 
The final thing about this I think I should mention too, is that when you do overthink about certain situations, you will often come to the worst possible conclusion. And that in itself is an issue. It's unfair and often unfounded, yet, too late, we've gone and done it, and then used that as a springboard to be a dick. It's ridiculous, and perhaps that's just me, but it can be toxic, and it's not nice. 

Something interesting I found when doing some very basic research into this, overthinking is linked to depression, and anxiety. I think it's important that note that people should be aware of this, and Psyweb have an interesting article you should read this

To me this is eye opening, I never really thought the two things connected! But as I sat pondering if this topic had any legs to talk about, I did a little Googling (and mild introspective thinking) and it does, and it makes perfect sense. I hope anyone who's had this kind of situation in their lives can take this into consideration, it really caught me unawares. 

When we move then across into the realms of mental health, this is a quick piece from a football website I read (please don't scoff!), which really can be applied regardless of job/background/situation. It's short and straight to the point, which frankly is too often overlooked, so please do read this

From a personal point of view, I keep thinking that my point isn't some cry for help, or need for pity or even empathy, but the thought that my words might inspire, or help. But the more I think of this the more I come to the same conclusion, I'm expressing personal plight and dressing it up as a human cause, exasperated by my need to claim it's for everyone. As such I think I need to say, this WAS my own situation and I wrote this a few years ago, relating to mental health. I need to be clear, this isn't a lovely read, but also I'm so aware that on the 'bad stakes' life ballot, I'm doing pretty fucking well. I feel pretty great generally, and have a very nice life, and am blessed in 101 ways, but annoyingly that's how mental illness works - you know everything, but you're somewhat helpless. I'd like to stress I'm miles better than this, and I feel ok, but I do still have down moments (as I feel EVERY human being on Earth should do, it's natural, right?) and just wanted to share with anyone who may feel down now to perhaps give it a read and just know things will always be better. Please. And if you feel they won't, then you reach out to someone, anyone, me even, and you tell them. 

I should add, the post I wrote on depression is a few years old, and I've been feeling pretty good in relation to it for a good long while, I had some good conversations with people years ago that really helped me - and bear in mind at the time the only people in the world I told were about 4 of my closest mates, 2 of which was because I basically had a bit of a breakdown in front of them. My mum only found out when she dropped something round to my flat when I was out and saw my anti-depressants. My point is, don't keep it to yourself, speak to someone - I've been off them for years and am happy to impart any advice anyone may want. However the overthinking part  is still present but I do try and get a good hold over it where possible, as some people won't even ever notice I do it, and that's how I like it. You know, me, Mr Doesntwantattentionbutwroteafuckingblogpostandtweetedit 

Thank you all so much for reading, and I suspect I know how I come across. I re-wrote this outro around 20 times, in seriousness, as I'm trying to work out exactly what I can say without being a preachy fuck. Perhaps, and just maybe I agree, I've slightly overthought this one... and for those that know me in person, sorry again, just pretend it never happened! :-)

Dan