Well I suppose I should start with a Happy New Year. So there, it's done. Good

So have you all made your Resolutions? Have you managed to stick to them so far? Are you considering ditching them already?

I, personally, have not. I don't really see the point in them. Why should I? What difference does a single new day make to me, to choose to do something different/positive?! Why not just do that the day you suddenly decide you want to do it, whether it's March 5th, August 23rd, or whenever. It doesn't matter. In fact the fact you do decide to do it on Jan 1st often could be a case that you're not even doing it for the right reasons. You need to do this for you, not for anyone else, not to tell friends, not to say "my resolution is..."

I've started 2014 with a grumble I know, it's not the aim, it's meant less of that more of a personal feeling about something. I just think you should do something like giving up smoking when you want to do it, don't wait for a reason, don't wait for the convenience of Jan 1st. Do it right now, and do it because you want to do it.

People settle for things too often, too easily, from relationships, to life plans, to goods and services. Why should we, more often than not we deserve more, we're not around forever so enjoy everything whilst you can, or get too old to fully appreciate it. Don't live by the "I wish I did". Just do it, embrace the now.

Look at me, I've shitted on one thing, whilst totally embracing a cliché that sort of means the same thing. It's all part of my meaningless waffle. I suppose that's my resolution, secretly, without admitting it to myself, waffle more, care less, and make this blog look a bit nicer.

World Mental Health Day

I wanted to write a little something specifically for this day. In hindsight I would have prepared it a while back so it was ready, but in reality I didn't even know this day existed. Not a clue. Which I think really helps to summarise how up until fairly recently it's something that has always had a stigma attached to it, and makes people not want to talk about it. We can't see it, it can't be found on an X-Ray, yet it's still something that affects just as many people as serious illness does. Just because it doesn't have a physical impact, doesn't mean that ultimately it won't result in death all the same.

It's tough to quantify such a condition, as it varies and impacts people differently. I can't quote you any stats or interesting facts as I don't know any, the only stuff I do know is from personal experience, something I've purposefully avoided mentioning, let alone talking about over the last 3-4 years. I think I'm at a stage, or nearly at a stage now where I can start to apply logistics to what it was all about and what I went through. Indeed, I was a 'sufferer' with depression.

I need people to understand that this is not any kind of 'look at me' type post, it's about as far removed from that as it can be. I've never been someone who requires or craves attention - never will be, in fact I prefer to be the quiet one in the corner and my friends can attest to that - sometimes in a pub I'll go 20 mins without saying a word, blissfully unaware of anything just listening to my two best mates rabbiting on about something in the recent news or whatever. That in itself might in fact surprise some people who think I never shut up - that's just a nervous need to talk, I can't explain it, and is often something I will do with pretty much anyone unless I've known you 15 years or more. 

The reason I'm even writing this today is because, if you are suffering, or think you are suffering, and this in any way is helpful to you or maybe even helps you discover you might be suffering, then it's done its job. If it resonates even in the slightest bit with a single person, I'll be happy. As the first problem with having a mental health issue, is even knowing you have one. I know it sounds crazy, but too often it's easy to just think you're having a bad week..then it turns into a bad month...then it's like you don't even want to get up....you don't go out for night's or want to see certain people. You prefer being alone and doing nothing, you lose motivation, and it's horrible.

Part of my own illness was that I was/is/am/maybe always will be - incredibly self critical. Everything I do I almost cringe at myself, no matter what it is, so many things I run over and wonder how I could have done something different. This especially applies to when I interact with other people. I run through a conversation a hundred times, should I have said something else, should I have picked up on something else, did I say the right thing, am I outstaying my welcome, I should go...and I'll leave. 

It escalates with booze, self criticism turns into a deep routed self loathing. Self hatred. It's not nice and I immediately feel awful for anyone in my company if this ever kicks in, luckily around 95% of the time in the last 5 years I'm alone if it does. It's shit, and the best thing I can do is remove myself from whatever I'm doing and go to sleep - not think - and just sleep it off. 

I even look back now and still get pangs of what I had - I'll never be good enough, in my eyes, and that is something that I think will resonate with me forever, but perhaps I need that. Who knows. 

I think I still remember the first time I publicly fucked up, and sort of had a mini breakdown of sorts. It was awful and I still hate myself for it - always will do - went out with some mates, and it was one of their brothers 21st bday (I think). I had a bit too much to drink but it was still early and something just kicked in and I got really down - and coupled with the drink really messed me up. I can't remember the facts and frankly I don't want to, I feel awful about the whole thing (I think they all just assumed I was off my nut and had a laugh - and I hope that's the case, I don't want to think like I messed any of the night up), but after that I realised something was up, work was going shit, I wasn't getting anywhere and I had some family nonsense going on. All together it added up and really just made me feel shit 99% of the time. The only time I felt alright was when I spoke to a friend, and this is so fucked up, after a few months they got raped and moved away forever - it was fucking traumatic for me, imagine what it was like for them. I think it just made me crash. I went to the doctor, I didn't tell a soul - I filled out a sheet that I think basically outlines how severe it was, and I remember taking far too long over a specific question - I won't say what it was but it was basically the one that is trying to conclude what is the worst thing you might do. I think I cried when I read it. I know it's regarded as suicide being a cowards way out and in a way I absolutely agree - but when you suffer from depression, and you're thinking about it, you're not thinking it as that, I was thinking about it more as being a burden on people so this would just make it easier for everyone. It's like if I moved to Australia, but obviously cheaper. That's how the thought process can work - but yeah it crossed my mind, not as a very strong case, just flitted, and I'm sure others will have thought the same, well just remember you're not a burden - someone will always be relying on you to be there, so don't let them down and let that be a motivation to yourself to stick around - we all help each other in one way or another.
 
You know when people say how shit their life is, when in reality we all know it's not - they have a home, food, water, friends, and FB so they can have it as their status. Well I truly did feel like that, and you know what - I didn't tell a soul. Not even my Mum. I just kept it to myself because I didn't want to impose my shit on anyone else's life, and I still would do the same now. It's my shit, it's mine to sort out and I'm an adult and I will win. 

Eventually I told a select few people, I think about 5 in total, still not my Mum as I couldn't face it. They were all very nice, I just said something wrong (they all said they knew something was up, which was both touching and worrying about that my behaviour must have been so shitty) and that I was suffering from depression. They were nice and said if I needed to talk. I think I got home and cried, sometimes the whole thing is so overwhelming it just gets you. I hated everything about me, and why I was so shit, why my job was shit was because I wasn't very good, I drank too much, didn't exercise, loads of things. Things I can look back at now and say it wasn't as bad as I thought. And I'm glad I can do that. That's what I want to really get across to people, it's never as bad after you come out of the dark side, it just feels like it. But you need that motivation to get past it, otherwise you will rot there forever, and only you can do it. 

I remember how close I was to telling work, but I never did, and I'm glad. They said how they thought I was perhaps in a rut and seemed a bit quiet but I didn't want to use this as a crutch, I didn't want people to know or talk about it, I didn't want pity, especially fake work pity. I felt pathetic enough already suffering from this nonsense, I didn't want to make it worse. So I kept quiet

Well anyway, I can't remember what helped in the end, apart from the countless pills and tablets I was on which helped to calm me down when I got anxious or really down. But a combination of things sort of contributed, work picked up (I got a new job at the same company), I started to really push myself into thinking I was self pitying and pick myself up - I told myself life is nowhere near as bad as I felt. I also started going running, I forced myself out more, I took solace in the things I enjoyed and felt content with, and I believed that I genuinely might be able to try and help others, share my experience, listen to their problems and ultimately try to help them however I can. And you know what, sometimes you can't instantly solve someone's problems - especially if it's mental health orientated, you have to let them first understand what they have, what the triggers might be, what the stabilisers are (i.e. what they feel ok with, or even better about), and then in their own time start to make improvements. Ultimately only they can do this, Dr's are wise to let you sort of almost self diagnose yourself. I remember filling the sheet in a couple years after it all started, and saw some improvements, and then I think the last one I did was about 8 months ago and it was so positive that they said I can take the tablets which was taking daily, once a week, if that. As of about 2 months ago I stopped taking them totally. It's not to say I'm 'cured' or 'fixed' as who can truly say with a mental health issue if you are, and I still get some of the above from time to time, and I can accept that - at least now I can battle it better and sometimes just settle and say fuck it, I'm not perfect, no one is (apart from Justin Timberlake...no? He should be, hero)

So if you're still here, and you think this might be something you feel might be creeping up on you, or even if you're in the midst to - I can't tell you it's all rosy and will be an overnight fix, it won't. But there are alot of us around and so try to just do what works for you, if you feel talking helps then do it - open up to family and friends, even if they can't find the right words to say, they WILL support you and don't ever think that they won't. I'm just a random bloke who rambles on a blog but of course you can always speak to me if you want - I'm not even remotely a professional, but I have ears and can listen. Just remember, no matter how bad things seem, I promise they are not that bad, there is always a solution even if it's not clear right away - sometimes it takes someone else to help point that out. Try to embrace what you do have, friends, family, a home, food, water, things that in some countries is sparse, I know it's a bad comparison but that's what I went for which helped me - and made me actually feel so much happier, I motivated myself with that, and then decided how lucky we are - anyone who reads this is somewhat fortunate to even have the internet - I've started to support charities more with work related donations, as well as personal ones that mean something to me and I can start to feel like I can give back, and almost give myself a new sense of purpose. Selfish, perhaps, but hey, we got to find our stabilisers somewhere.

Thanks for listening.

Dan (@french84)

Munich...No, Oktoberfest!!!....No wait, Munich

Hi all,

Thought I would write a little post just about my recent few days away in Munich for the start of Oktoberfest, the biggest beer festival in the world - which strangely starts in September...

It began by waking up at 3.30am, for my mate to drive us to Stansted airport. Why you ask? Because flying from Gatwick to Munich is like £350, whilst if we flew from Stansted to Nuremberg then got the train to Munich - it was £65 for train and flights. God this is very exciting so far right  :-/

Anyway, had our first pint at 6am at the airport. Standard...at Stansted (guffaw), all pretty non eventful - got over there, and sailed through customs - very efficient (It's just a fact). Had an hour to kill in Nuremberg, so walked round the centre, and what a lovely place! Very cool old buildings and like a castle of sorts... and an Irish bar. Always a fucking Irish bar.
Got on the train, which is an hour to Munich, and what a train!! Was amazing - had like adjustable flap headrest things, footrests, and a bar on the carriage! Very cool. We put a half full bottle of water on the floor at the start of the journey, and by the end it had still stayed upright! That's how gentle the train ride was, very impressive.

Anyway to Munich we arrived, and now the fun sort of begins. My friend and myself got there about 4 hours before our other mate arrived, with the 4th arriving the next day (for his 30th). We had a nice wander around the city, which is also pretty cool. Lovely architecture, old feel as didn't get rebuilt like Berlin, and a great atmosphere.
We did what any 'Brits Abroad' should do, found a bar with a 'hot' barmaid and got 2 Stein's. If you don't know, a Stein is a litre of beer, about 2 pints. You feel tiny when holding one, birds - you'll probably need two hands, but you'll look laddish.
In hindsight, the barmaid was not at all fit. In fact she was horrifically ropey. I let my mate pick, as he's obsessed with being able to perve on women, as has a GF (look but don't touch motto). She was Asian which is why he liked her. Fake tits, and about 50. But still she was pleasant enough and we tucked into some typical Munich cuisine of Sausage, warm potato salad and Sauerkraut . Sauerkraut is horrid over here as we do it weirdly, but there it's really tasty, think it's basically pickled shredded cabbage, and it's great. We had a bit of chat, and a really weird question arose from my mate (he's a bit...I dunno, odd in regards to his opinions.) He said - what's worse, texting an ex or sleeping with someone. I obviously said the latter, and he immediately said I was wrong, and it was the former, because it shows there is still feelings and he couldn't take that. I laughed, perhaps a touch too hysterically as he got very defensive and said he consulted "some people" who all agreed with him. I have a nagging feeling those he consulted had all cheated. He refused to accept my point, and it was just a bit odd. I'm fairly sure if I ran the same 'test' most would surely agree that sleeping with someone was alot worse?! I'd be interested to hear some thoughts on that.

We wandered a bit more and found this amazingly large 'hall' and no it's not the world famous one, that comes later, but just some random one in a park - and inside it was half old school benches and beers type, the other half a fancy cocktail bar but in this HUGE open space. It was quality. Obviously we sat at the bar, and drank Stein's as the classy 'Brits Abroad' we are!
Our mate got in a bit after, met for a beer then went to the hotel. Oh yeah the hotel we booked was a bit cheaper than others we looked at - but it was incredibly nice, except it was SO FAR AWAY. 30 Euro taxi ride later and we arrived. We got some Champers as my mate is obsessed, toasted, drank, listened to 50 Cent on his laptop, and headed out into the night.
We got the taxi driver to take us to a nice decent bar.... he took us to... AN IRISH PUB!! Why when I go abroad would I want to go to a fucking Irish pub?!! I know I don't exactly come across as a cultural hub, but I seriously would prefer something local and not what I could find in every fucking town in the world. Anyway, got in, got a drink, had a laugh, then inexplicably my mate was a moron - bought another bottle of champagne (if he reads this he might kill me), drank about a mouth full then declared he was "bored" and wanted to leave right away. We gave the bottle to a tramp, as no one in the pub would want such a drink, and rather than head on to the next place, he in fact got in a sulk and said everything was boring... so we went home. He went to bed and I got a Chinese with the guy I'd travelled over with. Was very romantic, 2 lads, quite drunk, drinking beers and smashing back a Chow Mein.

If you're still with me, thanks, I wish I was more to the point, I ramble way too much. Anyway next day, woke up, did some boring stuff, got lunch (more Sausage and potatoes and Sauerkraut for me, why change a winning formula!).
We then headed to the place we'd been looking most forward to, the Hofbräuhaus (the Hof from now on) which is basically Munich's permanent beer hall. It's pretty famous and is absolutely HUGE. You go in and just have to find yourself a bench - it's all big benches and huge tables, then you get served by waiters who essentially look out for beerless folk. You drink Stein's (Pussy drinks are available) and can eat some fairly awesome food if you want.
My friend had stated he thought it best we didn't get too drunk to meet the 4th friend at about 8pm at the station, as it was his bday and we were going to some club called Pasha later. We agreed.... but I mean the Hof just has this amazing atmosphere which makes me not really want to leave. Ever.
We were firstly joined on our 8 man table by these 4 old people (ALL types come to Oktoberfest) who were great fun and taught me how to drink a Stein like a G, by doing some weird trick to picking it up, then they got replaced by an Ozzy legend and his 'friend' from Seattle. There was more to that than they were letting on, and I think as the day progressed we tried finding out more. We then had these 2 guys from Amsterdam. One looks SO shady and the other was this huge, ripped, ginger guy. Turns out the shady one is basically a 'pimp' even though he doesn't like the term, he prefers to say that he simply owns 2 houses where he lets girls live with him, has a no drug policy (apart from weed obviously) - to make him feel better I just said perhaps it's better he looks after them than them being on the streets, homeless, raped and taking drugs... a real mood lifting move by me! The big one was a hero, good banter and I think we arm wrestled him at some point, it seemed apt. Then the Ozzy guy/Seattle girl left and were replaced by 3 girls from another table who had some creep asking them weird questions (do you want to taste my dumplings, whilst winkink) - the ginger told him to do one, and we had a proper laugh with them. The girl told me she was tri-sexual. Yep you read that write, Tri-Sexual. She does boys, girls, and trans gender - I think that's what she said, I was quite drunk by then and had plenty of banter - she was from Canada so I made her say "About" alot.
The time came where we had to leave for the station, and we invited them to Pasha, in fact we worked out we invited EVERYONE who was at our table to Pasha, the latter few seeming very keen in fact. We left, walked to the station and met the mate - happy birthday etc, then another 30 Euro cab to the hotel to change - then straight back out - we suggested the fancy bar we'd been to, since it wasn't the other friends idea he deemed it "shit" despite never having gone there, and just made us go straight to the club, so we were the first ones there. Great.
Anyway picked up after a bit, but the music was horrific, this club is fairly "posh" in that Bayern Munich players often go there apparently. Anyway I think the day's events had caught up to us, and we all started leaving around 1, but all separately for some reason, I got chatting to some big bloke in the table next to us who said he was a celeb and a millionaire, and gave me loads of his expensive Moet. It was a bit strange, and he supported Chelsea. I then decided it was time to leave. Got a taxi home, but realised I had no money, so had to make him drop me at a cashpoint where he shouted abuse and threats if I ran off - top bantz

Finally we get to our last day, Oktoberfest day! We woke up fairly hungover, and once 2 mates declared they wouldn't wear Lederhosen, I got in my budget ones - and found out it looked like I was in an AWFUL porn film. They were basically PVC. The German in our group who'd been to Oktoberfest a few times had said he'd never seen such a bad pair of Lederhosen in his life. I eventually opted to rip them up, and tried the others but they were too small, I looked like a hunchback. So I got into normal clothes, leaving just 1 of us in Lederhosen. As we left the hotel it looked like the 3 of us were taking our 'special' friend out for a daytrip and he'd put on his favourite costumer, it was hilarious. Anyway we got there, and my god that Oktoberfest itself is so big! They erect loads of these temporary beer halls, like the Hof, as well as tonnes of rides like a carnival or something. I dunno how many people were there, but it was more than any festival I've been to, perhaps like 300k? I dunno, more? It did mean that getting into a beer tent was very difficult, mostly because we had gone on the 1st official day that Oktoberfest had started! We were hungover, tired, and it was really warm - we walked around for the best part of an hour, saw everything but could not get anywhere. So we decided to find somewhere to get a beer just outside, regroup, then launch an assault later. We came across a pizza place down the road - could see all the crowds coming and going, and got some Steins. Lederhosen Lad said he was at "7%" so in fact decided to go home! The 3 of us remaining actually then said we'll go to a pub to watch the football.
YES THAT'S RIGHT
We went to Oktoberfest, the biggest beer festival in the world, AND COULD NOT GET A BEER. We LITERALLY couldn't manage to arrange a piss up in a brewery! It's so tragic that we've embraced it. What a failure.
Anyway rest of the trip was fun, watched Bayern absolutely destroy Shalke 4-0 away (2nd biggest league rivals) - went back to the Hof and met some characters but not worth discussing, went back to the hotel - and my mate and myself had a rather deep conversation. It's quite uncharacteristic of us to do such a thing, as whilst I quite like a deep chat sometimes it's not something I think they really think about, or care to do, perhaps it show's weakness or something. No idea, anyway was very interesting and we touched on my illness (I've never spoken 'publically' about that before, it's pretty much gone by now, but I always thought it would come across attention seeking - but people say you should speak out, perhaps I will soon, when I feel I can talk about it adequately to provide advice to others...we'll see) and it was very nice actually.

Woke up at 5am to head back to Blighty, flying with Ryan Air was fairly painless - except that they gave me some randomers boarding pass which I hadn't really checked, causing some banter at the gate when boarding the flight, but it was fine - drove back from Stansted and basically slept for the next few days.

All I can say is Oktoberfest is cool, but Munich is AMAZING, the whole city was buzzing for the festival - so just because we weren't in that part - didn't mean I felt we missed out - the Hof was never anything other than totally packed, and the same with every bar and pub we visited. I'd love to go back and tackle the festival properly with some better planning and going perhaps 2 weeks in when it dies down slightly (as opposed to 5 hour queue's), and that is my advice to you as well. Other than that it was an excellent trip!

Sorry if this was more boring than usual - it was all true and whilst some incredibly hilarious moments at the time, it's hard to convert into text!