It's tough to quantify such a condition, as it varies and impacts people differently. I can't quote you any stats or interesting facts as I don't know any, the only stuff I do know is from personal experience, something I've purposefully avoided mentioning, let alone talking about over the last 3-4 years. I think I'm at a stage, or nearly at a stage now where I can start to apply logistics to what it was all about and what I went through. Indeed, I was a 'sufferer' with depression.
I need people to understand that this is not any kind of 'look at me' type post, it's about as far removed from that as it can be. I've never been someone who requires or craves attention - never will be, in fact I prefer to be the quiet one in the corner and my friends can attest to that - sometimes in a pub I'll go 20 mins without saying a word, blissfully unaware of anything just listening to my two best mates rabbiting on about something in the recent news or whatever. That in itself might in fact surprise some people who think I never shut up - that's just a nervous need to talk, I can't explain it, and is often something I will do with pretty much anyone unless I've known you 15 years or more.
The reason I'm even writing this today is because, if you are suffering, or think you are suffering, and this in any way is helpful to you or maybe even helps you discover you might be suffering, then it's done its job. If it resonates even in the slightest bit with a single person, I'll be happy. As the first problem with having a mental health issue, is even knowing you have one. I know it sounds crazy, but too often it's easy to just think you're having a bad week..then it turns into a bad month...then it's like you don't even want to get up....you don't go out for night's or want to see certain people. You prefer being alone and doing nothing, you lose motivation, and it's horrible.
Part of my own illness was that I was/is/am/maybe always will be - incredibly self critical. Everything I do I almost cringe at myself, no matter what it is, so many things I run over and wonder how I could have done something different. This especially applies to when I interact with other people. I run through a conversation a hundred times, should I have said something else, should I have picked up on something else, did I say the right thing, am I outstaying my welcome, I should go...and I'll leave.
It escalates with booze, self criticism turns into a deep routed self loathing. Self hatred. It's not nice and I immediately feel awful for anyone in my company if this ever kicks in, luckily around 95% of the time in the last 5 years I'm alone if it does. It's shit, and the best thing I can do is remove myself from whatever I'm doing and go to sleep - not think - and just sleep it off.
I even look back now and still get pangs of what I had - I'll never be good enough, in my eyes, and that is something that I think will resonate with me forever, but perhaps I need that. Who knows.
I think I still remember the first time I publicly fucked up, and sort of had a mini breakdown of sorts. It was awful and I still hate myself for it - always will do - went out with some mates, and it was one of their brothers 21st bday (I think). I had a bit too much to drink but it was still early and something just kicked in and I got really down - and coupled with the drink really messed me up. I can't remember the facts and frankly I don't want to, I feel awful about the whole thing (I think they all just assumed I was off my nut and had a laugh - and I hope that's the case, I don't want to think like I messed any of the night up), but after that I realised something was up, work was going shit, I wasn't getting anywhere and I had some family nonsense going on. All together it added up and really just made me feel shit 99% of the time. The only time I felt alright was when I spoke to a friend, and this is so fucked up, after a few months they got raped and moved away forever - it was fucking traumatic for me, imagine what it was like for them. I think it just made me crash. I went to the doctor, I didn't tell a soul - I filled out a sheet that I think basically outlines how severe it was, and I remember taking far too long over a specific question - I won't say what it was but it was basically the one that is trying to conclude what is the worst thing you might do. I think I cried when I read it. I know it's regarded as suicide being a cowards way out and in a way I absolutely agree - but when you suffer from depression, and you're thinking about it, you're not thinking it as that, I was thinking about it more as being a burden on people so this would just make it easier for everyone. It's like if I moved to Australia, but obviously cheaper. That's how the thought process can work - but yeah it crossed my mind, not as a very strong case, just flitted, and I'm sure others will have thought the same, well just remember you're not a burden - someone will always be relying on you to be there, so don't let them down and let that be a motivation to yourself to stick around - we all help each other in one way or another.
You know when people say how shit their life is, when in reality we all know it's not - they have a home, food, water, friends, and FB so they can have it as their status. Well I truly did feel like that, and you know what - I didn't tell a soul. Not even my Mum. I just kept it to myself because I didn't want to impose my shit on anyone else's life, and I still would do the same now. It's my shit, it's mine to sort out and I'm an adult and I will win.
Eventually I told a select few people, I think about 5 in total, still not my Mum as I couldn't face it. They were all very nice, I just said something wrong (they all said they knew something was up, which was both touching and worrying about that my behaviour must have been so shitty) and that I was suffering from depression. They were nice and said if I needed to talk. I think I got home and cried, sometimes the whole thing is so overwhelming it just gets you. I hated everything about me, and why I was so shit, why my job was shit was because I wasn't very good, I drank too much, didn't exercise, loads of things. Things I can look back at now and say it wasn't as bad as I thought. And I'm glad I can do that. That's what I want to really get across to people, it's never as bad after you come out of the dark side, it just feels like it. But you need that motivation to get past it, otherwise you will rot there forever, and only you can do it.
I remember how close I was to telling work, but I never did, and I'm glad. They said how they thought I was perhaps in a rut and seemed a bit quiet but I didn't want to use this as a crutch, I didn't want people to know or talk about it, I didn't want pity, especially fake work pity. I felt pathetic enough already suffering from this nonsense, I didn't want to make it worse. So I kept quiet
Well anyway, I can't remember what helped in the end, apart from the countless pills and tablets I was on which helped to calm me down when I got anxious or really down. But a combination of things sort of contributed, work picked up (I got a new job at the same company), I started to really push myself into thinking I was self pitying and pick myself up - I told myself life is nowhere near as bad as I felt. I also started going running, I forced myself out more, I took solace in the things I enjoyed and felt content with, and I believed that I genuinely might be able to try and help others, share my experience, listen to their problems and ultimately try to help them however I can. And you know what, sometimes you can't instantly solve someone's problems - especially if it's mental health orientated, you have to let them first understand what they have, what the triggers might be, what the stabilisers are (i.e. what they feel ok with, or even better about), and then in their own time start to make improvements. Ultimately only they can do this, Dr's are wise to let you sort of almost self diagnose yourself. I remember filling the sheet in a couple years after it all started, and saw some improvements, and then I think the last one I did was about 8 months ago and it was so positive that they said I can take the tablets which was taking daily, once a week, if that. As of about 2 months ago I stopped taking them totally. It's not to say I'm 'cured' or 'fixed' as who can truly say with a mental health issue if you are, and I still get some of the above from time to time, and I can accept that - at least now I can battle it better and sometimes just settle and say fuck it, I'm not perfect, no one is (apart from Justin Timberlake...no? He should be, hero)
So if you're still here, and you think this might be something you feel might be creeping up on you, or even if you're in the midst to - I can't tell you it's all rosy and will be an overnight fix, it won't. But there are alot of us around and so try to just do what works for you, if you feel talking helps then do it - open up to family and friends, even if they can't find the right words to say, they WILL support you and don't ever think that they won't. I'm just a random bloke who rambles on a blog but of course you can always speak to me if you want - I'm not even remotely a professional, but I have ears and can listen. Just remember, no matter how bad things seem, I promise they are not that bad, there is always a solution even if it's not clear right away - sometimes it takes someone else to help point that out. Try to embrace what you do have, friends, family, a home, food, water, things that in some countries is sparse, I know it's a bad comparison but that's what I went for which helped me - and made me actually feel so much happier, I motivated myself with that, and then decided how lucky we are - anyone who reads this is somewhat fortunate to even have the internet - I've started to support charities more with work related donations, as well as personal ones that mean something to me and I can start to feel like I can give back, and almost give myself a new sense of purpose. Selfish, perhaps, but hey, we got to find our stabilisers somewhere.
Thanks for listening.
Dan (@french84)
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