Happy Fathers Day

Couple of things before I write this I feel I should say, firstly this isn't intended to get any pity or any attention or anything like that, in fact I'm writing it just in case there is anyone else out there who's been through the same thing, and is maybe a bit younger and still in the angry stage - maybe reading this will help them a bit, I dunno, something like that. Secondly I can look at things differently now, and there's positives to be taken from it.

So yeah, sorry about that, but happy Fathers Day! I hope you've remembered, if not, this is your reminder, go do something cool for your dad's, hand made cards are a cheap winner, go for a fry up with him, or take him for a pint - it's the little things that he'll appreciate the most. We're men, we don't need grand gestures or expensive gifts. In fact I reckon most would bloody love to just go down the pub for an hour with their son/daughter today - maybe I'm well off the mark, but give it a try!

I don't celebrate Fathers Day, he's still with us, but he lives in New York, always has done. Well, he lived in South London, met Mum, got her pregnant then fled to NYC and never came back. Pretty much the most cowardly thing ever, he said it was for 'work opportunities' but my Mum knew. I didnt meet him until I was about 5, and to me then he was like the best thing ever, winning me over with some toys and stuff, and suddenly I had a Dad in my life, it was great. His mum lives in Shoreham which is very close to Brighton where I live (seeing her today as a matter of fact, incredible woman, she's about 90 but is as sharp as a fucking tac, I'll really miss her when she goes, that one will knock me a bit), so when we moved down here it became easier for him to kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I'd see him maybe every 3-4 years from when I was about 5 - 16 I'd say, and always just for a few hours then he had to go.
I look back and just think he didnt really know how to deal with it, see his son, give me some presents, have a chat about trivial things, then that was it, he didnt have anything else to give, so off he went.

He run's nightclubs in NYC, or well he did, big ones like The Roxy too, he's more of an Events Guru now for various clubs, so imagine that when I was younger, was the coolest job ever (to me)! I've been lucky enough to go to NYC a few times to visit over the years, and it was amazing, such a brilliantly amazing city combined with chilling in a club (daytime when younger, night time when older) and being with my dad. Everyone at school thought it was fucking cool, and I made him out to be a right Don. However as I got older my feelings started to change. My Mum gave me the cold facts when I was about 17 I guess (about what I said earlier) and for a while I really hated him. I hated he left her, left me, I hated that I saw him for a few hours every few years yet still had to call him my Dad. I hated that I was one of the only people I knew without a Dad, and that my family at this time was basically just my Mum, me and my Gran in Shoreham. So that hate spread to not just him but my situation. It wasn't a great time really, I went travelling which helped me forget stuff and then went to Uni where I basically got drunk continuously. As I got a bit older though I guess I matured, I forgave, I began to understand a bit more, I started not to care - like genuinely, no anger, no sadness, just nothing, just a shrug and 'whatever'. He'd have a habit of saying he'd be over in like 2-3 months and he'd be around for weeks so we'd go to see his Brother in London together and have a weekend to ourselves, doing father/son things, he made it sound so cool. Then obviously 2-3 months passed and nothing, then eventually it would be about 8 months later, he'd be over for a week, and he could only see me for a couple of hours as he had stuff to do. As a youngish kid you can imagine that wasn't the best feeling. Also some people think he gave my Mum alot of money over the years for everything of mine he missed (never saw him on a single Birthday if I remember correctly), and for maintenance. He didn't, not once, he bought me plenty of gifts, but looking back I'd rather he'd just given her money instead of winning me over briefly for a computer game or w/e.

Nowadays I'm totally fine, it's all in the past, sometimes I get sad about stuff, I've always been quite an emotional person and the last year I've had a few things that add on top, it's tough but I'm still here. I last saw him 7-8 months ago for 2 pints of Guinness in a pub down here, then he had to scoot, it was the first time in 5 years. I was meant to see him last year when I went on one of my best mate's Stag do's, we did the West Coast/Vegas then NYC, but the week we were in NYC he was, guess where, ENGLAND! Couldn't believe it and sent him a drunken hateful email just unloading tonnes of shit (the dates'were exactly the same, I left early as I didn't like being in NYC when he wasn't there, felt empty, didn't even try to contact him when I got back). He's now blind, and a shadow of his former self, his health is going badly, he doesn't call his Mum much (used to every few weeks), and he rarely responds to emails (my main form of contact in the last few years with him), he has a vampire blood sucking wife who grew up a spoilt brat, sunk her teeth into my dad and has been bleeding him dry ever since. He's pretty much broke. He has another kid, she's 5 I think, I've met her once when she'd first been born, he looks like a man who's broken. But still we had probably our deepest chat ever, about life, both apologising for the previous year, him saying he wants to come back to the UK. I think to live his final years, though my little sister shouldn't be uprooted, but I REALLY think he needs to leave his wife, whilst pleasant to me, she's a terrible drunk (we're all drunks in my dad's side of the family, him, my gran) and hasn't had a job in years after being an exec for a big computer company firm which she quit when they got married. I hate her deep down.

I wanted to write this, and I appreciate it's probably a bit too 'emo' for some, and I don't like doing these kind of things, but as I said maybe someone else has been in the same boat and is confused/angry/hurt, so I wanted to say, don't be. We all do things for a reason, but sometimes it doesn't come to light until a long time afterwards. I hated my father at one point, but I look back now and he did what he thought was right at the time, he wasn't ready for children and thought he'd be a failure, the irony of course was he was a bigger failure for what he did, but he wasn't to know 27 years ago. People have asked me, would you prefer he stayed, I say I don't know, what if he did, then buggered off when I was 10 or something in a really messy situation? Would that have broken my heart more, than simply never knowing him? I know he's not a bad person, he made some bad decisions, we all do that, some just have bigger consequences than others, he was unlucky in the hand he was dealt, I hope that if I ever do have kids I'll make damn sure I'm not being my Father, they deserve better, and I think him doing what he did will give me that inspiration and drive, so it's a good thing in a way. Now I just need some kids... ladies, form a line?

Life is a bitch, but we all have our things, our problems and our history. Mine is no different to yours, I know people who've lost their Dad's, at least I still have mine and I appreciate that, some will never get to tell them they love theirs, or to have a drink with them, and for that I'm grateful. So that's why I say, try to do something today for your Father's if you can, borrow a fiver off mum or someone and go sit and have a beer, or whatever, and just appreciate the stuff now whilst you can :)