Ah Life, a strange beast at times, beautifully summarized by
Des’ree’s classic balled. I mean how could you not feel a strong connection to
such lyrics as “I don't want to see a ghost, It's a sight that I fear most, I'd
rather have a piece of toast, And watch the evening news”, quite.
I think there’s no real answer to it, we all forge our own
paths, we all do what we feel is the right thing for us to be able to amble
through. We have different priorities, goals and fears, based on differing
strengths and weaknesses. We are individually unique. Yet collectively we are
similar. We often think about ourselves to a certain degree, we will care about
loved ones, and equally in times of need, we will try our best to think, and
support, the wider group. We feel global impacts, and many have an ability to
instinctively put others ahead of themselves, literally putting their lives on
the line to support people that others wouldn’t give a passing thought to.
I’m not really saying anything you didn’t know, and haven’t
even really got to what all this is about (I will, I promise). During our time
on this Earth we will all lead truly different lives to one another, yet we
will still strive for some roughly similar goals – to find someone, be it a
friend, a lover, or a soul mate (or all 3). A vast amount will take that
further, to the creation of a family. Everyone often looks for their purpose,
and then ultimately, recount the life they led and if it brought them that
overriding emotion, happiness. Was it all worth it? Inevitably to reach the
good times, we often endure the bad.
“When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that
they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought
that things are so bad they have to get better.”
With Social Media so prevalent in this day and age, it’s
interesting to see people on a wider scale than perhaps you could do 50 years
ago. A tragedy happens, and people will tweet/Facebook/text/call – whatever
they can, to offer condolences and support. It might not actually have any
impact on the situation, but it gives people some kind of peace of mind to say
least they cared.
It’s the same on a personal scale, for those who choose to
share their woe’s via these platforms are often met with a series of “you ok”
by friends and strangers alike. It’s a curious reaction. Do we truly care, do
we want to wade into the personal issues of someone we might not know (certain
in Twitter’s case), or do we once more do it to self validate that we are showing
support where we feel it’s due?
Is one more important than the other, yes, but perhaps not
necessarily to that person. Janice may feel her latest heartbreak is worthy of
a lengthy FB post, to a series of ‘you ok hun?’ vs a tragedy somewhere outside
of our line of sight, whereby hundreds die – would Janice write a lengthy piece
on that? Perhaps not. It’s part of who we are, as on the flipside, Bill the
naturist, may never post a single thing on his personal life on any platform,
but is hugely visible when there are tragedies, shootings, natural disasters –
blasting it all over social media. Hundreds reply, passing on their thoughts
and RIP’s, does it make this a more valid output than that of Janice? It
depends how you choose to perceive these two situations. What matters most,
what impacts you and that you have an ability to control, or what you can’t
control but understand the more grave nature of the situation.
It’s how “first world problems” was born, really. Whilst
often tongue in cheek, it does carry a message, that you as a person have a
right to moan, to invoke pity, to want someone to speak to, but you’re self
aware enough to understand in the grand scheme of things, it’s meaningless. In
the above scenario, to me, Janice is a first world problem, whilst Bill isn’t –
to Janice, I don’t believe she would agree.
Apologies, I’ve rambled. So stepping back and remembering I
intended to write this almost as a personal ‘more woe me’(First world problem!)
piece, for a situation I’m struggling with, I guess it sort of touches on some
of the above. When it’s personal, it can be difficult to understand, interpret
and react to. That’s why we have friends/family/support, as it allows us to get
an additional perspective, perhaps backing up what we already thought, or
offering a new insight we may not have previously considered.
The more I write (this is a single draft post, I’m not
intending to go back and change anything, it’s as it pours out my brain), the
more I think perhaps it’s not the best idea to vomit the challenges I’m facing
as I appreciate I’ll become a parody of this article, I will be Janice. But
equally, I, like most, need to try and understand the situation, and what the
“right” decision would be. Though the tidbit of information I guess you can gleam
from this is that it’s about a girl. It’s always about a girl right? The
classic “if only it was so simple” has never been more apt. I don’t really
serial date, I’m fussy, I’m fairly private and I don’t really talk to anyone
about these things unless they explicitly ask me. Even then I’ll perhaps play
it down, remain ambiguous, and generally frustrate them to the point where they
don’t really want to ask anymore. That’s me and my brains fault, like a vast
number of people I’m not really wired properly, I’ve had mental health issues
which I’ve written about in the past, I get anxious, I think I had my first
panic attack the other day, and I worry. My brain works at a million miles an
hour (not on my smarts, sadly) to create a series of 100 scenarios of what it
means when someone says “Hi” to me, let alone when something of actual
importance happens. I drive myself insane, I get sad (and it seems lately, back
to the stages of Depression, but please, this is not a cry for help, I’ll get
better – I’m certain of it), and I get upset. Living alone doesn’t help, and
I’m sure many of you are the same, and for others this sounds both ridiculous
and excessively FWP mixed with a dose of MWM (both acronyms from things
mentioned above).
This all means, that when someone says something to me that
really isn’t a huge deal – I fail to allow that interpretation, and if it’s
something important to me, it becomes huge, played out in multiple scenarios as
to the reasoning behind it. It sounds crazy, I know. So when a girl, who I’ve
been friends with for some time, and very close to, talked to me about getting
together, you can imagine my brain sort of hitting meltdown mode. I of course
complied, she’s someone I’ve been attracted to since day 1. She said I’d be
good for her (she’d been in 2 very long term relationships), she likes me very
much, and I her. What could be bad you say? Well with the good, comes the bad –
she is very direct, and once she has something in her head, that’s really it.
Within a few weeks she decided she wanted to date other people, because she
never really got to experience it all before. She didn’t want to be exclusive,
and this in fact progressed to her wanting to actually get with more people,
because once more, she hasn’t really had the opportunity. Perfectly
understandable I guess, but where does that leave me. She doesn’t want to lose
me as a friend (the classic) and we can date, but it has to be casual. By now
I’ve gone through 10,000 scenarios and situations, and it’s basically eating me
alive. She kind of understands, we’ve talked about it, but her mind is made up.
It doesn’t help that she knows I’m a nice guy, and in fact I’m probably too
nice and caring rather than the racey and exciting wild guys I think she’s
looking for. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, as if I choose to back
off, then I’ll do it entirely, cold turkey. And it will suck, for both of us. Actually that's an understatement, it will be crushing for me, I don't really open up or become attached much, maybe to like 5 girls in my life? This would be the worst. I
continue to casually date her, and I have to contend with other guys, other
guys she will actually develop feelings for and sleep with(they won’t be all
first dates, she’s already wanting to see a guy for their second date). That also will crush me, as I already can see a mile off, I'll get jealous and angry and upset, she'll want less and less to do with me because of this, she'll want to see these other guys more, they become closer and I basically fade out.
Finally, after a long time, I get the woman I can see a
future with, and then like that, it’s ripped from my grasp. Life, you’re a bit
cruel sometimes. Equally through all this, I know, FWP. We’re a country in
political turmoil with an uncertain future, there are terrible gun crimes in
the US, and there’s people out there who are so less fortunate than I am – yet,
I can’t help but be Janice.
I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know what I can
take, and I don’t want to just end the whole thing. How does anyone deal with
anything like this! I really should add, that this isn't just a case of 'plenty more fish in the sea' scenario. I've been single a long time, and this is the first time I've felt totally at ease and could see something long term with.
Anyway. That was it. I’ve written 1,500 words about life and
people, and about 200 on my actual reason for writing this. Sorry about that.
But if you made it this far, thank you for listening. You are the people I’ve
chosen to turn to. This is my platform of choice.
Something I mentioned earlier I’d like to touch on and
expand is around loneliness. Whilst easier said than done, don’t ever feel like
you’re truly alone – even if it’s the only conclusion you come to. You’ll be
surprised, as I said, we humans are an interesting bunch. I say this because
loneliness and especially being alone with our non happy thoughts is destructive,
and it can be dangerous. Take it from me first hand, even if it means doing a
Janice, do it.
I saw the below proverb, and it kind of stuck with me.
Thanks.
“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”
